As written and mailed out to my colleagues on Tuesday, December 30, 2008 at 11:46 am, but with the names edited for privacy:

Like many before me permit me to quote as follows: “ten children cannot play together for ten years”.

This serves to officially inform you of my redeployment to Jos 1 Branch/CMU/CCU as BRC effective Monday 29th December 2008.

It’s needless to say that I’ll miss Makurdi Branch (especially the under listed) but life must go on and I look forward to the greater challenges/new experiences ahead.

My boss MR BAM, you were an excellent tutor, I’m forever grateful to have had the privilege to tap directly from your years of experience.

To my HOP MR HENRY-Team spirited leaders like you are hard to find, keep up the good work sir.

To my mummies MADAM HARRIET and MADAM ABIGAIL-your resilience in a tough working environment is commendable, keep the fire burning.

To my ogas MR MOSES, MR EFOSA, MR AGADA and MR NIYI, I learnt from your wisdom in many ways than one. Thank you.

DIBAL for your military lingua and ABIOLA for your “uniqueness”, thanks for the laughs.

CANDID from UNN to NYSC Batch B 2006 Benue State days all the way to my first 2 months in Makurdi, thanks for being there.

GAFAR, BUSAYO, AGADA O, RAYMOND thanks for the company; MARTHA, IDRIS you won’t be forgotten in a hurry.

ONMA your helpfulness, YINKA your dedication and NONSO NNAM your industriousness is commendable in deed; well done

Thanks for everything, do forgive all my shortcomings. Much peace, love and respect!

Yep it’s all Jos for me going forward. No worries, the Rock city ain’t no Gaza; just experiencing the curfew thing for now.

P/S: if you ever find yourself in Makurdi try and (1) be at the Places and Times Night Club: had my first real regular clubbing experience there. It’s a four point fiver not at all like those bars where you’ll find people staggering in the name of dancing.

(2) Chill out at the Exclusive Lounge wine bar. Great environment; good spot to chill and feel the Makurdi urban and upwardly mobile life style.

(3) Eat at Treaties Buka. I should know, their meals kept me going. But you might want to avoid there when Lobi Stars Club Footballers are guesting. Men and their stomachs…you should understand.

(4) Get around town, taking in the beautiful road network. Much like Abuja, one of the reason I love the place.

Makurdi Branch, the many months of renovation finally paid off.

Banking, the ills: workaholicity and “no time!”

The “I say no time eh!” phrase by top Nigerian ragga artist Timaya best describes my condition in the in last four months, in which time I haven’t blogged (though “no inspiration eh” comes a distant second). Right now at 9.21 am it’s one of those precious weekends for me and as I type this on my generator-powered battery-weakened laptop in Makurdi I await the start of Nigeria’s game against Japan in the on going Olympic men’s football event. So what have I been up to all this while and what’s happened to the time? Here’s what.

I’ve since completed my bank’s ten week entry level training programme in Abuja and have been deployed to Makurdi branch in our North Central Region. Yes, my love affair with Benue State continues having served here (NYSC 2006/2007) and been back shortly afterwards for a short business venture.

Training school was fun no doubt but I also learnt a tremendous lot and had my mind opened to many new perspectives of life. Part of the gains of the training was being able to make my first ever visit to a prison…Kuje Prison Abuja to be precise. Banking being a profession based on trust, integrity is a necessary value and so the visit to the prison apart from its social responsibility import was to show us how low we could sink if we lost our integrity. The funny thing though is that Kuje Prison wasn’t at all like what I expected; it looked more like any well maintained Government boarding house secondary school in Abuja except that the inmates couldn’t leave the area…ever! There were the sober religious type, the ashamed from-a-comfortable-background type but most looked like the average Joe on the street type. Some buildings were recently painted, the compound was neat, there were a lot of new structures and the effect of charitable donations/support from the public/NGOs could be seen. Me thinks that being a population database poor, non safety and security conscious country an escape from the prison would be easy and have the least of consequences. Anyways I digress.

Back to the subject it feels good to be in banking. The opportunities it offers you are endless but the effize of the profession is too much; one could easily get carried away! One could also get “carried away” by the pressures of the job. The demands are heavy so to be on top of ish you’ve got to be sharp and proactively continuously learning. Worse still like I said at the beginning one’s time-crunched! We’ll survive though.

And survival starts with watching my first Dream Team 4 game at the Olympics in a short while. I almost can’t believe I missed their first match…an Eagle’s match!” Work sucks at time! I can believe though that the Abuja Stadium disappointed yet again spectator-wise at the Man U-Portsmouth game a fortnight ago. To the best of my knowledge the only time its stands ever filled up for a football match was The All African Games 2003 u-23 men’s final between Nigeria and Cameroun. As expected a large portion of the crowd got in for free and a much larger portion of the crowd of football lovers in the city just couldn’t be bothered. We shouldn’t loose hair or bother too much to when ever Nigeria goes out of a football tournament. Football is an art not a science and even with the best of preparations one could still falter. Someone’s bound to loose…It ain’t gonna be me though. Ah game time! Excuse me while I do the needful. One!

Happy Customer, Happy Bank. Intercontinental Bank PLC’s (IBPLC) slogan.

In the words of Durella “shout alleluia Papa God e don do am”! Yes oh, I’m now more or less a staff of IBPLC! On Monday I along with over 40 others started a 10 week training (Intensive Orientation Programme) at their Garki II branch in Abuja. We’re what are called Executive Trainees, on that entry level ish; but what’s more it’s all on merit baby!

You see I’ve always loved IBPLC right from when I opened my first real savings account with them in my undergraduate days, so the step up to actually work with them is like on the dream-come-true level. This is how my journey went, it might have been quite long but it definitely was worth it:

1) October 2nd, 2007: submitted my CV to a very close friend who’s in the system already somewhere in Niger State.

2) November 17th 2007: along with over a thousand others I wrote the company’s recruitment aptitude test in Jos, Head Quarters of their North Central region. Rated my chances of making it to the next recruitment stage very high and had fun reconnecting with acquaintances from my NYSC, University and even Secondary school days.

3) January 18th 2008: Had my Interview and medicals along with 71 others in (a bloody cold) Jos. Rated my interview as having gone very well, and meanwhile enjoyed the youthfulness of the environment and the energy floating about.

4) April 21st 2008: after a very lengthy sometimes really crazy wait was finally called to start training/resume work with the bank.

Do you know that I almost completely missed the training save for a very good friend? It’s a long story sha. Anyway I know Banking’s not easy and I’ll now be having much less free time and lot’s more commitments but I’m highly positive minded and I’m ready to make every moment count. There are a lot of people I won’t forget in a hurry in my quest for the IBPLC job, I’m unable to name them all at this point in time but from the bottom of my heart I want to sincerely thank you all. Peace, love and respect; one!

It’s just come up to over a year since my mum passed away. So first things first: rest in eternal peace mum.

One of the best examples I’ve ever come across in my life of nepotism/the-power-of-connections/long-leg/man-know-man sadly pertains to my recent job offer; “Nigeria we hail thee”! It came kind of instantly, from the least expected of places and took me by surprise. I admit for an idealist it’s not such a cool thing but at the end of the day it’s just one of those times that I have to do what’s best for me.

As my good chat buddy “Elliot Hendrix” rightly deciphered, my feeling on getting the offer can be summed up in the phrase: “she connected the dots for me to call the shots”.

As at now the Job’s not really my ideal and I’ll still be on the look out for something better but there’s no denying that I’ll now be better occupied and the steady income that comes with the job will lift my spirits tremendously. That’s highly welcomed considering the fact that over the past 3 years I’ve grown into an excessively sober person very much unlike the fun carefree dude I used to be. So let me get back into the spirit with this, albeit in a very swift manner:

I’m Nigerian by origination
Twenty four by age
A liberal Christian by inclination
A mere mortal in a cage
A football lover essential(ly)
All things music is my balm
Web 2.0 Intellectual
Fun loving young man with a charm

happily wired, happily hired

My brain’s a mansion, expanding like pews/
I feed it with good stuff, try not to abuse/
From people’s reaction, I’m filing its views/
So give me the action and I’ll give you its news/

Ok I’m done rhyming. I’ve been up to a lot lately…J-O-B scheming. And it has occurred to me that oil money has spoilt Nigeria and Nigerians silly. Entrepreneurial wise we’re not making much progress and are instead content to wait it out for the monthly oil revenue. Our civil service is lazy as depicted in their creed: “government work no dey finish”, leaving one puzzled as to how they would fare if government establishment were responsible for a larger part of their own funding. In the end a lot of people climb up the social ladder courtesy of the “oil money” and a lot of others are happy or have no option but to be their faithful dependants.

Still keeping to the article’s theme I’ve done more than is usual traveling in the past 7 weeks. I was in Lagos last month for a job aptitude test. And first of all I’ll like to say the company’s crazy for calling us up for the test a bare 36 hours to the event. The stress I had to go through to get there and the disorientation of the test venue speaks volume of the sufferings of Nigerian graduate job seekers. My impressions away from the test is that Lagos is one rugged city and it’s traffic and congestion problems are two reasons that makes me wish myself away from it as a place of abode. The trip was actually my first visit to Lagos in 8 years! And courtesy of many a blogger’s rant I was scared and equally cautious. All in all Lagos was worth it as I enjoyed the journey through the South West; a welcomed difference indeed after being saturated with the South East and North Central for far too long.

After Lagos I made a return to Gboko in Benue State as a member of a four man crew called Art IMPACT Productions whose hustle included video recording, editing and production; conducting interviews, handling customer relations and marketing for the 3 week duration of the 2007 Batch A Orientation camp program. Had an overdose of nostalgia there being that a year earlier I was having some of the best times of my NYSC life there. At Gboko I got the much sought after job experience; ate humility, diligence and dedication for breakfast, lunch and dinner and learnt many a business truths. My Gboko sojourn was invaluable…priceless, but for everything else there’s MasterCard.

November 1st 2007, with a camcorder doing what I had to do as part of my biz hustle in Gboko

The traveling ended with a trip to Jos over the weekend. Also a first time journey and this time around for the purpose of writing one of them Bank job aptitude test which are very popular with fresh Nigerian graduates. Jos is a town with an unNigerian kind of weather but it’s ok. I had a nice time there and I came back with one truth: “practice makes perfect”!

One’s state of mind = one’s mental or emotional attitude or mood. In his song “I dey feel like” because he’s found love 2face Idibia feels like Obasanjo (feels as powerful as a Head of State because his girl loves him), George Akume, Jolly Nyame, Bill Clinton, Nelson Mandela (because his girl fights for him), Jay-Z (because his girl’s as fine as Beyonce), Bola Tinubu, Bob Marley (because his girl makes him high), Abubakar Atiku and Donald Duke all in one. For me, I’m in a job hunting state of mind and this is how I’ve been feeling.

Bank PHB’s The Intern Reality TV Show is closely related with my Job hunting state of mind

I’ve just paid yet again another exorbitant taxi “drop” fare. And in my mind I curse Nasir El-Rufai for banning the use of motorcycles “okadas” as public transport in Abuja. It’s meant that non car owners like me whose (everyday) movement involves going to places with no bus routes have to pay through their nose to transport themselves around the FCT’s municipal area.

After the grueling job aptitude tests and the days of waiting the boss man breaks my heart at the interview. Hear him: “Youngman you’re my number one candidate and all but we needing batch A corpers serving in Abuja and you being a batch B corper serving in Benue it won’t just work. Don’t worry I’ll let you know when we have other openings”. At that moment I felt like a girl who’s just been treated to a wonderful night out by her boyfriend only for him to announce he’s dumping her and then give her a good night kiss.

An hour has passed since bumping into Ifeanyi an old acquaintance of mine when I was in the university. Looking exhausted he told me: “Nna Tochi, e no easy oh, na after service life really start”. In my mind I’m like “tufiakwa! God forbid! No be so my own portion go be”. I don’t really think he had taken this advice to heart: “as a job seeker you’re a product with steady competition and so to sell you’ve got to make yourself marketable by continuous self improvement”.

I just saw my friend Chi Babe off and on my way back I’m thinking to myself that it’s a shame how the pressures of life make people stoop low to kiss major ass. I can’t believe she’s the same chick I had a major crush on when we were in the uni. The job and marriage search thing has all of a sudden made her embarrassingly churchous!

I’ve realized that the same way marriage often dissolves friendship between very good girlfriends is the same way finances can put guys out of the league with their long time buddies. That’s really shitty…pitiful.

Yet another change: my I-don’t-give-a-fuck mode is now major. I’ve cut out a lot of stuff that’s not important to me in achieving my immediate and future life goals and in their places I’ve added those which are. I no more identify with (I don’t give a fuck about) a lot of the IQ decreasing content on TV, gossip and low substance blog reads and people who’re not adding anything of positive value to my life. That’s to name a few, on the addition side I’ve taken up a new humble lifestyle.

Lastly my conscience has been telling me to wake up and cut out on the surfing of the internet for interesting things and instead start getting with my GMAT books, NIM-NYSC studies and other nerdy ish and career bound moves.

Yes that’s my state of mind…how I’ve been feeling in brief. But what ever your state of mind, never forget that no matter how the struggles of life might be eating your heart away through the week, you’ll always have the Nigerian Sunday afternoon rice to look forward to. Peace!

I’m sure some of you are familiar with songs and memories. As in when ever you hear some songs it reminds you of certain periods, people or event in your life good and bad. It makes you want to shed a tear or smile. The songs I’m working with now on that level are “obodo” the remix by Nigga Raw, “imagine that” by Styl-Plus and “jogodo” by Professor Linkin. I heard those songs over and over again, like a hundred times each day at the various joints in the Gboko NYSC orientation camp. And I equally bumped my head, tapped my feet, sang along or danced to them like a hundred times (the thing about this kind of scenario is that at times you either get sick of the songs or you grow to like them by force). That says so much about the Gboko DJs’ taste and the variety of jamz they have in stock.

The Nigerian job market is one big fear and challenge for graduates; it fucks with you big time. For the guys as a graduate you’re seen as “promising” so you have it some what easier with the ladies, but it’s not the case when you ain’t earning. You loose taste in chicks because at this stage they’re more of an unwanted expense than a lover/friend/f*ck buddy/friend with benefits. Job wise yours truly has been condemned to teach in Benue. It’ll be good as I’ll get the chance to make an impact in the lives of teenagers and it’ll be a nice life lesson/experience (but I never was low on experience and I believe I’m an all rounder who does a good job of adapting to the posh or hard life extremes). But career wise it ain’t shit and it’s more like a one year waste.

In that light self-employment really is the way to go. It’s all about having a winning idea and adequate funding. But it’ll require patience, intelligence and hard work. Me I want to be on that ish, the “your own boss” levels. With that mindset it bothers me when I see people my age or slightly older than me still in school (early college years), still content to be largely dependent on their parents, and flaunting about living the extravagant life when they didn’t personally work for most of what they’re enjoying…E don do, pens down. Right about now the “in memory of the money” song will start playing. Can you hear it?

You must have heard about The Vatican, Neverland and the Kalakuta Republic. But it’s time to forget them all. Today I present to you the Cassava Republic…sorry I mean the Cocoyam Republic. It’s the land of the Wondering Wanderers nonetheless it’s not a place; it’s a state of mind. On this maiden tour of the Cocoyam Republic we’ll be exploring the issues of Orientation, Power shift and what to do when your company sucks.

I’ve always wanted to talk about this issue but the time was never right, but now it is. I’m really annoyed that no one ever took time out to orientate a brother, teach a kid a few things. In primary school quiet as I was I was always drafted into the debate team or one group or another. Little man as at then didn’t wholly grasp the relevance of a debate. Torturous as it was I went through all them stuff to make people happy. In my senior secondary years the words on people’s lips were JAMB UME and priesthood. Didn’t know what the heck JAMB UME was about nor did I understand the next line of action in the other lane: priesthood. How then did they expect a Youngman to have a purpose in life? I got to know the koko about JAMB UME in my final year and I’m still learning about the priesthood path. On to the university nobody properly schooled me on the course registration system or the result computation bureaucratic dynamics. Had to learn from my mistakes and some of them sure were costly. Sex education; forget it. The first time I heard the word sex from my parents was after secondary school when my Pops told me that I should be careful, because now if I “touched” a girl I could get her pregnant. Looking at all this someone might say I should not have been shy, that I should have asked questions and that way people would not have made assumptions. But my brother in this country children are to be seen and not heard. It’s not as easy as it seems. Presently most of the stuff I know is because I’m naturally inquisitive. The Internet has done a lot to feed my brain. People please take two and pass (teach someone). Life’s too short already; don’t make it worse for someone by letting them live in ignorance (ignorance which they’ll grow up to regret).

In these sharing of the national cake and rotational presidency days I wonder what’s up with hardcore power shift people. Don’t get me wrong power shift is a good thing; it lets a country get the best of both worlds at different times and it makes everyone happy. If fighting for South East presidency or for governorship to come to the North Central zone of a state it’s ok with me if you’re fighting because you know you’ve got a suitable leader to lead the country/state. But in reality most people are not fighting because they feel they’ve got the right leader, they’re fighting because they want a share of the national cake. Well politics is a dirty game so I guess it’s all good. But the part that really sucks is when I see a common man who has no links with any politician (Such that if an Hausa man, or a man from his town or Fidel Castro comes into power life will still be the same for him, he’ll still collect the same old poor salary) raising his voice and arguing loudly for power to come to a man from his place. Well what can I say, Nigerians love to talk politics.

Have you ever been in a situation where you know that the company you work for sucks? And to make it successful some staff would have to be done away with and fresh minds recruited. But the thing is that you’re in good terms with those that you think should be sacked and you wouldn’t want to see them out of their jobs. Plus when you go out and your company is being talked about on reflex you defend it/prop it. But in your heart you know the company sucks and that your competitors are way ahead of the game. Worse still you wish you were working elsewhere but you can’t leave because you’ve got no where to go. Ever been in such a situation? What did you do or what would you do?

The Cocoyam Republic…it’s all in the mind baby, it’s all in the mind.

It’s holiday season for the kids here in Naija, a whole two months of it (mid July to mid September). Young boys on my street are now tapping leather from morning to night! Israel and Lebanon are knocking each other out while the world watches; another unresolvable political murder has been committed, this time in Lagos. And yours truly is dragging his fucked up ass to the radio on the regular in the name of work. On that note I kick off my situation report of sorts.

I’ve been doing my thing in the Production department. We do the jingles and adverts, produce programmes and part produce the news etcetera. It’s been alright…I’m getting that knowledge and boosting my CV. One of the good things about this is that you get to meet and work with the stars. Groupie heaven you might say. Gospel artist and Kora award winner Sammy Okposo came by to promote his latest album; ABJ’s own Sixfootplus did same to promote his sophomore album. And upcoming producer turned Ragga artist: Uchie the African Rock star did as like. The director of the Orji Uzor Kalu for President Team: a certain Alhaji (it’s the usual “one Naija” political move. Northerners have Southern hype men and Southerners have Northern hype men) also came through to do his thing. But he blew it big time. He was talking as incoherently as a member of a rented crowd in a political rally would do if asked to explain his political stance. I’m sorry to say but if the eloquence of ones’ campaign manger determines ones’ results at the polls then Orji Uzor Kalu stands no chance in 2007.

Shit is also great cos I’ve been getting a feel of how radio stations work from the inside. Of particular interest to me is the airplay dynamics. A lot of upcoming artist do come around to drop their demos…singles in hope of decent spins to send them on their way to stardom. In fact Ruggedman’s new singles were dropped over two weeks back. I’ve always been of the opinion that we don’t give our local artists enough airtime and I still am. But I’ve been able to see things from the eyes of the On Air Personalities and DJs who do the actual spinning. You see life is all about the money and some complain that it’s unfair that the artists don’t drop a little something-something; especially when the artists goes major. It’s like the “monkey dey work, baboon dey chop” thing. Styl-Plus be touring and getting groupie love while I’m here stupidly spinning the cuts. Anyways it’s a two-way thing; the OAPs make the artist and the artist in turn make for the OAPs to have a job. With skill and dedication ice can always be sold to the Eskimos.

With all the rough drops and liners I have here I’m thinking of doing me a song. Don’t know what a liner is? Maybe this will help you. “Do re mi fa so la ti do”. “Hi this is Jay-Z; you’re listening to Mugu FM 41.9, don’t touch that dial”! You know get a tight beat and rap or sing over it for the verses while using an artist’s vocals as the chorus or part chorus. Have you heard Cassidy’s “I’m a hustler” or 2shotz’ “which level”. Yeah that sorta thing, you just might hear a TRAE and Daddy Showkey song someday.

I better stop here before I’m become the latest employee who gets the boot for blogging. Last line, thanks to Tom Hanks we all know that the Godfather answers all of life’s questions. But do you know what the Godfather said when he was presented with a rotating chair (chair on wheels) for his birthday? He declared it the “greatest thing since sliced bread”! And man he wasn’t far from the truth. If you ain’t sitting on one on the daily than take it from me that you ain’t sitting; you’re standing. Peace!

Weird MC, one of the numerous artists that have made it to the moon…hey Weird who’re you giving the finger to?

So I’ve been nine to fiving at a radio station for a week now. How’s it been? Ok…yeah ok. The highs: for a starter the free fast steady Internet access…yeah definitely that. Funny thing is that in Naija it’s the exception rather than the norm. The experience and knowledge being gained…priceless. It’s really a good way to set going in the industry. The music…music-library, damn! Songs I’ve being dying for are now suddenly all at my feet. God bless me! As for the lows…my friend you don’t wanna know.

During the week Chxta came through; second time meeting up with him. Along with his buddy funny-pimping Oria had fun moving round the city center. Something I hardly do, not that I ain’t outgoing but I’ve got other shit to deal with so I often don’t bother. See the pic below…cool!

Children of the corn: Oria, Chxta and TRAE

A man’s giving a speech at an occasion and he wants to talk about his wife and all that comes out is “and to my beautiful/lovely wife…”. Might not bother you but me thinks giving props to your wife with the only or first compliment being that she’s beautiful is kinda dumb…worldly. I know when it comes to marriage/relationships I’ve got my priorities in ladies well ordered. But for every other runs the dick/eye does the ordering. You know as men the first thing we see in a girl is beauty. If that’s covered then we look at other things…intelligence, humour, manners etc. Poor girls, gots to look their best 24-7 and touch their toes for pot-bellied guys. Talking about beauty fuck all the guys who say that Kemistry is ugly. For me she’s the best female Nigerian rapper I’ve ever heard. A listen to her song “shake ft Terry G” confirms that.

Stereotyping and tribalism is a bitch. We might not want to admit it but we’ve all got it in us to some extent. Hate it when Nigerians go into the tribalism debate. It’s all childish and unproductive cos in essence no one tribe is better than the other. It’s like arguing which are better, red or green apples. Blame the stereotypes in us on our parents, the society and the media that brings us up. Somebody tell me what the fuck you feel when you read this from a teenager on Nairaland in a thread where the aim is to declare your tribe:

uhhh?? Me Igbo?? Tufiakwa! (no offence to the igbo’s oo). But i am not Igbo.

Tufiakwa = “God forbid” in Igbo.