Over 4 days in February 2010 in a series titled “Rules for writers” The Guardian newspaper in the UK invited a number of writers to share a few tips about their writing habits, rules and creeds. Inspired by that, Nigerian bloggers Alligator Legs and Akin Akintayo did an expose on their own blog writing rules. Acknowledging the brilliant concept and in the spirit of the moment I’ve decided to explicitly share my own blog writing rules over the past 7 years with you, my fellow human life form. If you want you can call this the sequel of my “How to Blog” post from 2005.

1) Be Original, Be Interesting
When I write I always try to be original with my blog posts being insightful and having substance. I never regurgitate content like gossip bloggers; I leave all that for the mass media being it’s their traditional role. My participation in current discourse must always be fresh, offering something new and interesting from my point of view. The mindset is always as if I were a stand up comedian trying to make a mark in the fast paced entertainment industry. I advise that if writers must bitch about their relationship troubles it should be from an interesting and funny angle not a bore as no one really gives a fuck about another’s lonely life nor the colour of their underwear.

2) Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
Closely related to my first point I am never petty. Like a paid newspaper columnist my quality must always have quantity. Bare bones blog post with a single link to a YouTube video or another site is not my style. Facebook and Twitter exist for such “miscellaneouses”.

3) Come Correct
When I write I try to be as clear and concise as possible. Punctuation is cherished and explanations made thorough. I write with the mindset that the average inquisitive Joe should be able to relate and take something out of my articles.

4) Be Easy
When I write I don’t fake or force stuff. I only write when I’m sufficiently inspired. I like it to come to me naturally; after all a blog is meant to complement not stress one. As such I am not obsessed with the SEO (Search Engine Optimization) blogging for money ideals. I equate them to students striving to be exam malpractice geniuses when they should instead strive to be academic gurus. The most ridiculous of such act I find to be the pro-SEO removal of date stamps; that goes against the chronology essence of diary keeping/blogging.

5) Be Objective
Closely related to Wikipedia’s neutral point of view stance, objectivity and fairness are some of my credos when writing. And when I make reference to the works of others I try as much as possible to pay them their props.

6) The State of Mind is Liberal
Like the American declaration of Independence I believe in the ideal that all are entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of their own source of happiness. When I write holding on to my point of view I try to do so with utmost respect for others and their right to hold on to theirs. If I must change their mindset I try to be civil about it and make sure the argument is keep healthy and intelligent.

7) Stick to the Roots
Never changing I’m 117% Nigerian, African Roots and all. And so my writings are centred towards the defence of the Igbo, Nigerian and African course.

8] Art is Life
Like the creators of The Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles cartoon showed by their naming convention (Michelangelo, Raphael, Leonardo, Donatello) I love the arts! As such I’ve made it a habit right from the inception of my blog to at least always include a picture in each of my blog posts.

9) Choice of “Language”
Like Jay Leno, David Letterman and Conan O’Brien I believe a sense of humour is the best medicine and try as much as possible to reflect that in my writing. Also like rappers and the poetic license I generously allow myself to let one rip foul-language wise once in a while. Yes, soul deep it’s part of my expression.

10) Married to my Hobbies
Finally like my blog’s tag line shows I’m married to my “hobbies”. So do essentially expect a healthy dose of football (soccer), Music (Hip hop) and geek (nerd) like references when you read me.

This was originally meant for another platform to be published February 25th, a day after Yar’adua touched down. Alas it now finds its’ final resting place here

In the words of former FCT Minister Nasir El-Rufai

“When we elect our leaders we fully expect that they will be strong-minded and able-bodied to guide us through the most difficult times. We also expect our leaders to address us directly and offer assurances to the fact that crisis situations will be kept under control”.

Unfortunately Nigerians time and time again are often left wondering if their leaders are aware of the concept of accountability. Fresh from a 92 day absence of our President, Umaru Yar’adua in Saudi Arabia, find profiled the noticeable incidents internal and external which have reigned this while, greatly imprinting themselves in the sands of “Nigerian time”.

• In December 2009 just before Christmas the unpopular beliefs and policies of CBN Governor Sanusi Lamido struck a lethal blow as thousands of workers were rendered jobless in mass lay offs carried out by many Nigerian banks; the alleged troubled and sound ones alike. Unemployment rates soured with the risk of rising crimes and many a families had a bitter festive season. Government reaction: business went on as usual while the seemingly endless trial of the nauseatingly rich ex bank top shots carried on at snail speed.

• Nigeria was at the center of international attention when on Christmas Day December 25, 2009 a 23 year old Islamic Nigerian male Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab attempted to detonate plastic explosives hidden in his underwear while on board Northwest Airlines Flight 253, en route from Amsterdam to Detroit, Michigan USA. Seen as a grave act of terror Nigeria was subsequently put on a Terror Blacklist by the US government and young Mutallab charged on six criminal counts, including attempted use of a weapon of mass destruction and attempted murder of 289 people. He is presently in U.S. custody, awaiting further legal proceedings. Nigerians travelers were thus left to suffer an international backlash while the government more or less barked toothlessly.

• Maryam Babangida wife of former head of state General Ibrahim Badamasi Babangida (IBB) passed away on December 27, 2009 in a US hospital having lost her prolonged battle with ovarian cancer. Many people still love to hate IBB for the alleged unprecedented level of corruption during his regime and the annulment of the June 12 1993 presidential elections. Nevertheless Maryam even in death remains celebrated as an icon of beauty, fashion and style”, and widely acclaimed as Nigeria’s best first lady. Reactions: having spent millions of looted monies on healthcare in the US having neglected our own, the looters of the national treasury and the family alike proceeded to further spend money in consoling and morning their dead.

• Much long before the proclamation of Dr Goodluck Jonathan as acting president the turn of events proved that President Yar’adua was by all indications unable or incapacitated to perform his function and therefore should step aside. This arose as Nigeria’s new Chief Justice of the Supreme Court; Aloysius Katsina-Alu was on 30th December, 2009 sworn in by the out-going Justice Idris Legbo Kutiji in the absence of President Umaru Yar’Adua. This was legal under the Oaths Act.

• On Tuesday, 12 January 2010 the world was left in shock that a catastrophic earthquake had struck in the Caribbean state of Haiti affecting over 3 million people. With thousands dead, thousands more rendered homeless and the socio economic foundation of the nation rocked to its root. Many countries responded to the appeals for humanitarian aid, pledging funds and dispatching rescue and medical teams, engineers and support personnel. Nigeria’s response being an official expression of condolence and a donation of 1 million US dollars

• While the children of the rich continue to enjoy uninterrupted education abroad and politicians in the corridors of power continue to feed fat over the country’s oil money. the educational front back home was dealt a heavy blow as the authorities of the University of Nigeria (UNN), Nsukka in Enugu State on the 16th of January, 2010 shut down the institution, following the vandalization and destruction of property, including the temporary residential quarters of the Vice Chancellor, Prof Barth Okolo and some senior staff quarters of the institution by protesting students. The violent protest embarked upon by the university students was to express their displeasure over a new fees regime introduced by the university authorities

• Coming on the heels of a similar incident over a year ago in December 2008 and in what amounted to a total failure of leadership by both the Police, Military and Plateau state government, violence started on the 17th of January 2010 and lasted at least four days in Jos. The disturbances were allegedly religiously-motivated as Muslims and Christians took to arms and proceeded to torch down and destroy houses, churches, mosques and vehicles. At least 200 people were killed. Government reaction, a change of heads at the state police’s top boss office and the setting up of another commission of inquiry.

• Following an advertorial published in the Punch Newspaper of January 28 by a group going by the name “The True Face of Lagos” accusing Lagos Governor Mr. Babatunde Fashola and the Lagos House of Assembly of corrupt activities. The house members had intended to go on with a probe. But after wide public criticism and protest marches things died down considerable over the past week. Owing most notable to an intervention between Governor Babatunde Fashola and his immediate predecessor Bola Ahmed Tinubu who is though to be displeased with some of the actions of the former, and a court order from a Lagos High Court restraining further actions on any purported investigation of allegations of financial impropriety.

• Although things have considerable improved now, the months of December 2009 and January 2010 were hell for motorist in the nation as regards availability of fuel. Long queues sprang up nationwide as Nigerians commercial and private motorist alike were helplessly subjected to hardship in a bid to refill their tanks. Black marketers and those engaged in the up and downstream section of petroleum distribution smiled to the banks as they are want to do perennially. Government reaction: a statement by then Vice President Goodluck Jonathan which was eventually defiled ordering four of his ministers to stay back in Abuja during the Christmas holidays for a series of meetings aimed at finding a lasting solution to the lingering fuel scarcity.

• Following growing disbelief by the general populace about the integrity of members of the Federal Executive Council in relation to the president’s absence and the greater good of the nation, Minister of Information and Communication Prof. Dora Akunyili had on 3rd February 2010 somewhat restored her public image when she presented a memo to the Federal Executive Council (FEC) titled “if We Fail To Act Now, History Will Not Forgive Us”, asking Yar’Adua to present a letter of vacation to the Senate as required by section 145 of Nigeria’s 1999 constitution. Her action had initially drawn the ire of her colleagues most notably former Attorney-General of the Federation and Minister of Justice Michael Aondoakaa (SAN), prompting a nasty back and forth between them. In the end though swords were sheathed and the objectives were met as Dr Goodluck Jonathan was declared acting president.

• In what was hailed as the best move for the country’s hot bed of politics Anambra State. Governor Peter Obi of the all peoples grand alliance APGA on the 6th of February 2010 defied the history books as he won a keenly contested battle for a second term in office against fellow political gladiators Dr. Chris Ngige of the AC and Professor Chukwuma Soludo of the PDP amongst others. Little pockets of irregularities were observed with more than half of the voters disenfranchised owing to the non availability of their names on the voting list. Encouragingly though the results were more or less accepted by all parties involved without the usual electoral court appeal.

• After much political anger on the seeming power vacuum, exemplified by protest rallies; most notable by a group of concerned Nigerians called “The Save Nigeria Group” both at home and abroad along with many court cases praying President Yar’adua be impeached or his Vice Goodluck Jonathan be empowered. The National Assembly had on February 9th 2010 creatively interpreted one of the clauses of the constitution, in their words in the best interest of the nation and voted to declare Goodluck Jonathan Acting President. This was greeted by much cheers round the world as intent by Nigeria to get a start on the process of nation building at a renewed refreshed pace.

• More failings of President Umaru Musa Yar’Adua emerged as Acting President Goodluck Jonathan was on Tuesday February 16, 2010 elected Chairman of the Economic Community of West African States (ECOWAS) by the group’s Heads of State and Government thus extending for another year Nigeria’s leadership. President Umaru Musa Yar’adua had steered the ship of the association for a year until he fell ill, a development which had twice forced the postponement of the 37th Summit of the body.

• On the back of an unpopular decision by erstwhile president Mamadou Tandja to extend his mandate beyond December 2009 having already served two terms a coup d’état occurred in Niger, a country sharing boundaries with Nigeria to the north on the 18th of February 2010. Soldiers attacked the presidential palace in Niamey at midday and captured the President who was chairing a government meeting at the time. Later in the day, the rebels announced on television the formation of a ruling junta, the Supreme Council for the Restoration of Democracy to be headed by squadron leader Salou Djibo.

• On the 22nd of February 2010 members of The Edo State House of Assembly abandoned all sense of decorum as lawmakers purportedly impeached the Speaker, Rt. Hon. Zakawanu Garuba. In what appears to be an inter party strife the erstwhile speaker a member of the ruling People’s Democratic Party has been replaced by Peter Usman Aliu of the AC. Confusion is still the order as the house has not yet sat since the incidence with both members Rt. Hon. Zakawanu Garuba and Rt. Hon. Peter Usman Aliu presently claiming the title of speaker.

• Finally there were one too many alleged political assassinations, reminiscent of a case of kids turning the house upside down in their parent’s absence. The death toll included ex AIT reporter Efenji Efenji (February 14th) and Action Congress gubernatorial candidate in 2007 general election in Ogun State, Otunba Dipo Dina (January 25th, 2010).

Voicing communications, crazy phrase innit? Anyway it’s used here to mean speech patterns as applied to the transfer of information from one person to another/other persons.

For this talk the first port of call is the news rooms. I’ve observed that the news casting voice…intonation…accent…pronunciation…or more particularly “stress on words” of our broadcasters (mainly from private stations; Channels Television being a chief example) sound so foreign. At times it’s often as if one’s listening to the BBC or CNN. What I want to know then is if it’s an industry standard or if it’s just another act in our endless imitation of the West. It worries me the more because on the other hand I listen to NTA and Radio Nigeria broadcasters and they do none of that yet they speak clearly in very good English. It’s a pity I can’t yet put up sound clips to drive home my point.

Cool FM Abuja’s broadcaster Benny Ark (I’m thinking his full name is Benjamin/Benedict Archibong) is the scapegoat at our second port of call. On air the brother is so loud…animated in an “uncool” sort of way. He practically hypes every word! I might not be a pro but one thing I’ve learnt about broadcasting is that on air it’s best to assume that you’re talking to just one person and not to a multitude. That way you’d sound more pleasing to the ears, confident and you’d have that personal touch about you. The personal touch is really great as it gets to and captivates the listener, making him/her feel like you’re there with him/her having a one on one conversation. If Cool FM’s on air personalities were on a reality show Benny would undoubtedly be the first housemate to be evicted. Enough said.

Ahide a Cool FM broadcaster posing with Bola.

At this last port of call I’m leaving you with these words of Toshmann. I came across them while snooping through the Nigerian Village Square. Reading it made me bury my head in shame because I realized I’ve been guilty more than a few times. I guess it’s a call to change

…our people seem to be proud to say “I can’t speak Igbo, but I understand a little bit”. What nonsense! this is something that one should be ashamed to say, yet people say it with pride as if those who speak the language well are “igbotic” and being “igbotic” is a bad thing…this is sad.

Before you read this know that I’m not trying to work up a misunderstanding with my music industry family; I’m just speaking as an average music lover with his own personal opinion.

I’ve not at all been happy with most of the Rhythm 94.7 Abuja Hit Song of the Week selections of the past few…months! A lot of which have been ridiculous nonsensical songs…which are not even “sweet”! This is the kind of thing that makes one take Modenine’s point of view: “bling bling, bubble gum rap, I don’t feel that”. Having got my grown man on I’m kind of not feeling such theme of songs but I could make exceptions for tracks like Cassie’s “long way to go”. The song’s a banger so I guess it’s bumpable on my radio and gets my nod for song of the week. But sadly majority of the selections are a glorifying of C-class US acts/songs to the detriment of our own artists. I therefore consider it an insult to be put through the torture of hearing such type of songs week after week. Surely Rhythm can’t tell me that these are the songs Nigerians of all classes honestly prefer as their song of the week.

My research led me to realise that the choice of foreign songs over ours is because of the fear of being labelled as playing favouritism and the “why should I do this artist a big favour when I’m getting nothing in reply” feeling. I just wish the DJs and On-Air personalities knew that as far as a song’s tight no one has a problem with you shoving it down our ears for your “friend’s” sake.

But after all said and done if they still decide to stick with foreign songs (after all it’s their prerogative) I would be happy if they picked from the generally acceptable stock. I’m still waiting on the day we’ll see Nigerian songs of the week on a regular basis. That honour could really lift someone’s career.

I’m in love…with the music, are you?

It beats me why many of us who claim to be the perfect wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend material always have lonely Valentines or are forever wishing on love and moaning about needing a partner. So to unravel the mystery I started with myself. Over the course of conversing with this new chick that I’m really feeling I realised that I’m actually the shit but when I consider my finances I always loose confidence in my ability to cope in the relationship department. I thus bug off and go for the easy lay…how sad. So the jury’s out, we know other people (unromantic cheating guys, money hungry girls etc) and circumstances can be blamed for your loneliness but what portion of the blame are you willing to apportion to yourself for being lonely?

Fuck traditional roles I believe in gender equality. Rhythm Unplugged, Rhythm 94.7 Abuja’s music-comedy show comes up over the weekend. Any lady wants to take me out?

For some ladies it’s the time of the month…sorry I mean time of the year, for love. For Terry Tha Rapman, as versed in Modenine’s “spazmodic”

it’s the time of the month so I’m writing raps all day/
punch lines keep flowing so I’m with my pad Always/
haha did you get that? flowing, pad, Always?/
let’s go back to when I was writing raps in school hall ways/
reading Superman comics, bumping Dr. Dre’s Chronic/
speaking Ebonics, my pastor said it was demonic/…

While for me it’s the time of the month where my thoughts flow, and so inevitably it’s another blog post . Time don reach, abeg your kind permission to unleash.

Interviews! God damn, life is one big school of diplomacy. The interviews I’ve seen on TV and read in the print given by Obasanjo, Babangida, Adedibu, and Andy Ubah confirms the point. These are people we all know with serious cases to answer in the court of public opinion but when given the chance to bring em out our journalist disappoint at all levels. All they did was throw light questions at them, they never got deep into the one million Naira questions and at the end of the interviews we were back at square one. Not much learnt just the interviewees coming off at the top looking like saints. Let nobody attribute it to fear, it’s more of the “you chop I chop” policy. I give you five perfect moments of fame and you grease my palms…enhance my CV…guarantee me future exclusives. It’s the rat race, journalist gotta eat too you know.

And talking about politics, I was elected Fin Sec in the four-man Exco (executive committee) for corps members serving in Ukum LGA of Benue State. I’ve had a relatively quiet political past so I’m really pleased to have bagged that post. You know, I got to test my popularity and recognized that others believe in my capabilities. It’s got me slightly tipsy and feeling like I’ve got one over our politicians . But I’m afraid that my mistakes and the manly ego coupled with my fear of tomorrow might not allow me serve to the best of my ability. You see I love myself…believe in myself and any one who wants to mess me up I’ll be like fuck him/her. But I’m not all hot though; I could put up with bullshit especially when I’ll come off better in the end. I just gotta check my grudge levels while taking in so I don’t kill myself inside while the oppressor’s happy.

if wishes were horses, beggars would ride/
if I said I’m falling, would you ask why/
if you should stop calling I’ll probably die/
and if I could see you, Val would be you and I/

Much love to “you”, you sabi who you be now. For everyone else happy Valentine’s Day!

Abeg permit the loveless pup to unleash

It’s holiday season for the kids here in Naija, a whole two months of it (mid July to mid September). Young boys on my street are now tapping leather from morning to night! Israel and Lebanon are knocking each other out while the world watches; another unresolvable political murder has been committed, this time in Lagos. And yours truly is dragging his fucked up ass to the radio on the regular in the name of work. On that note I kick off my situation report of sorts.

I’ve been doing my thing in the Production department. We do the jingles and adverts, produce programmes and part produce the news etcetera. It’s been alright…I’m getting that knowledge and boosting my CV. One of the good things about this is that you get to meet and work with the stars. Groupie heaven you might say. Gospel artist and Kora award winner Sammy Okposo came by to promote his latest album; ABJ’s own Sixfootplus did same to promote his sophomore album. And upcoming producer turned Ragga artist: Uchie the African Rock star did as like. The director of the Orji Uzor Kalu for President Team: a certain Alhaji (it’s the usual “one Naija” political move. Northerners have Southern hype men and Southerners have Northern hype men) also came through to do his thing. But he blew it big time. He was talking as incoherently as a member of a rented crowd in a political rally would do if asked to explain his political stance. I’m sorry to say but if the eloquence of ones’ campaign manger determines ones’ results at the polls then Orji Uzor Kalu stands no chance in 2007.

Shit is also great cos I’ve been getting a feel of how radio stations work from the inside. Of particular interest to me is the airplay dynamics. A lot of upcoming artist do come around to drop their demos…singles in hope of decent spins to send them on their way to stardom. In fact Ruggedman’s new singles were dropped over two weeks back. I’ve always been of the opinion that we don’t give our local artists enough airtime and I still am. But I’ve been able to see things from the eyes of the On Air Personalities and DJs who do the actual spinning. You see life is all about the money and some complain that it’s unfair that the artists don’t drop a little something-something; especially when the artists goes major. It’s like the “monkey dey work, baboon dey chop” thing. Styl-Plus be touring and getting groupie love while I’m here stupidly spinning the cuts. Anyways it’s a two-way thing; the OAPs make the artist and the artist in turn make for the OAPs to have a job. With skill and dedication ice can always be sold to the Eskimos.

With all the rough drops and liners I have here I’m thinking of doing me a song. Don’t know what a liner is? Maybe this will help you. “Do re mi fa so la ti do”. “Hi this is Jay-Z; you’re listening to Mugu FM 41.9, don’t touch that dial”! You know get a tight beat and rap or sing over it for the verses while using an artist’s vocals as the chorus or part chorus. Have you heard Cassidy’s “I’m a hustler” or 2shotz’ “which level”. Yeah that sorta thing, you just might hear a TRAE and Daddy Showkey song someday.

I better stop here before I’m become the latest employee who gets the boot for blogging. Last line, thanks to Tom Hanks we all know that the Godfather answers all of life’s questions. But do you know what the Godfather said when he was presented with a rotating chair (chair on wheels) for his birthday? He declared it the “greatest thing since sliced bread”! And man he wasn’t far from the truth. If you ain’t sitting on one on the daily than take it from me that you ain’t sitting; you’re standing. Peace!

Weird MC, one of the numerous artists that have made it to the moon…hey Weird who’re you giving the finger to?

Why is it that we keep complaining that it’s bad news that we always hear? Have we ever wondered what good news would be like? It’d be boring, and life would be uneventful. I’m not a sadist it’s just that it’s just the way of the world, shit happens. Shit makes you think, talk and debate. It puts the media all up in your face and enables them make a killing from adverts. If we heard only good news we would be like “oh really…cool” but in our minds we’d be like “who gives a fuck”. This is how horrible good news would be:

-MTN gives new SIM packs to customers who’ve purchased at least one thousand Naira worth of airtime in a month.
-John Mikel Obi falls in love with daughter of Nigerian politician while on vacation in New York. Now set to be her High School Prom date.
-Federal government pumps money into power industry; repaints PHCN offices nationwide.
-Former head of State Yakubu Gowan takes “Nigeria Prays” initiative to Aba. Abia State governor Orji Uzor kalu gives life to Christ; subsequently speaks in mysterious tongues.
-President Obasanjo has a hard day at work and relaxes by playing golf with his son Gbenga at the IBB Golf course.

It seems to me like all work is dishonest. It appears as if businessmen are your friends who’re out to help you but in reality they’re only ripping you off by selling you shit. They put you in a hypnotised state that you believe you can’t do without their goods/services.

Look at the ICT/IT industry it’s like the new craze is ICT/IT and employment seminars. And man it sure does pay. Give a “go get em” speech for a small fee to thousands of knowledge eager and prosperity dreaming students and smile home to the banks. But being that everybody can’t be at the top at the end of the day those that use the skill to really progress in life are very few.

Cable TV channels are also shady. They constantly call on you to subscribe to them and get unlimited viewing and infotainment. It’s like E! is an essential and you’re not worthy to be alive if you don’t know the latest celebrity gossip or the life history of the stars. Yeah right, like I have nothing else to do than engaging in brain rot by living in front of my TV.

HYIP Schemes too are shit. Buy stuff from me and sell to others, get a commission for each sale. Those others would also sell to others and you’d get a profit from their sales etc. Truth is the more you buy the more they get rich and if you’re unable to find someone to in turn sell your stuff to then God help you.

HIV/AIDS NGOs belong to this same pack. Person no go hear word again with their ubiquitous adverts. At they rate they pump them out it makes you scared to even think about sex. You start to wonder if the activists are all life time virgins. But the real deal is that the fight against AIDS ain’t all that much in their hearts as they try to portray. It’s just their fucking job; it’s how they make a living. Sell more condoms and get more foreign grants. Pocket a nice amount of it and start a support group with the leftovers. By distributing drugs to peeps you make your benefactors think you’re on your toes so they’ll pump in more dough.

Damn…I need a job, any offers?

We’re all a bunch of dishonest folks out only too make that money

So it’s my birthday today, I’m 23. Yeah yeah who cares; OBJ is 79 and is gunning for another four years. Ok I kid, I kid; dude is 69 and wants to be life President. Yep, we all got the third term blues. At times I wish I wasn’t so interested in politics and could just take the passive/siddon look approach. Anyways being that I am interested I’m going to roll out some of my observations on the third term issue.

1) Asking OBJ to continue for a third term in office is like asking Austin Jay Jay Okocha to continue playing and captaining the Super Eagles (defying age and despite all the bright young talent out there) for another four years. Agreed, Okocha is one of the best Nigerian players ever but without him we ended our WorldCup/Cup of Nations campaign on an excellent note and still went on to win bronze at Egypt 2006. Word is born Okocha is not indispensable to the national team. In the same vein in a country of over 120million people OBJ is not the only person who can run things well. And please don’t come with that stuff that the devil you know is better than the angel you do not know. What we’re fighting for is to get it into the Nigerian psyche that no matter how well (you think) you’ve done you should never overstay your welcome.

2) The NTA we’re seeing these days is slowly turning into the NTA of the 1998 era. Then everything was pro-Abacha. Abacha for president this, Nigeria needs Abacha that. Nowadays if the NTA is your only source of news you’d be fooled to think the nation overwhelmingly supports OBJ third term bid. But after thinking the issue over being that the NTA is the government’s baby it’s to be expected. Compare the NTA-OBJ situation to a large household. If something really bad happens within the household like a scuffle between sibling A and B and sibling B is left critically injured you don’t expect the household’s spokesman to come out publicly and rubbish siblings A’s image. Surely he’ll be admonished but being that blood is thicker than water it won’t be a case of throwing the baby out with the bath water. The case would be acknowledged as an unfortunate incident but the dirty incidents won’t be washed in public, everything would be dealt with on the low low. Nonetheless NTA still owes it to the public to always portray both sides of the story.

3) The NTA issue can make you want to cry, but thank God for little mercies like the independent press. Yes kudos to AIT, Channels television and co for correctly feeling the pulse of the people. Political discourse phone-in programs on the stations lets us know that unlike the claims of Mantu and co Nigerians as a whole are anti-third term. There are other news outlets like the radio, newspapers and the internet but being that television is king it’s good that our leaders some of who don’t know better can at least know what the word on the streets is by simply switching channels.

Picture originally available at foolscap

Today Cool FM 96.9 Abuja held an audition titled “the broadcaster” for a new presenter for their station. The candidates (a whole lot of them) were given about a minute to do their thing. And at the end, the panel of judges (consisting of some existing presenters) will pick out the 9 most impressive wannabes. the broadcaster will then be selecter based on highest number of votes received from Listerners. I listened in, it was fun. A lot of the wannabes have been doing the news casting thing. To me that’s too dull. They said they were looking for presenter…broadcaster. Showcasing your news casting skills is too limiting. You should show your brighter side and that can be achieved when you do the free flowing stuff. I mean audition like you’re a presenter who’s playing the jams, giving general gist in between and possible interviewing a guest. To do this it really helps if you have a great sense of humor, a warm voice/personality that can captivate people and make them enjoy listening to you/hearing you talk. You know that larger than life feeling. From the wannabes I heard, two really blew me away. The first was a guy who pretended to interview Paris Hilton and Gwen Stefani. A smooth talker, he sure has a future compeering shows. The other was Violet Ibe a.k.a. Little V. she pretended she was anchoring a text in program. She also spit some radio-relevant rhymes and generally flowed like a true MC.

I was once a wannabe myself (to an extent I still am). I was kind of serious about it that I went online to research on what it takes to be a good radio presenter. But before then I used to cut my own demo tapes at home. As I’m typing this I’m listening to one I made way back, between December 31st 2003 and January 2004 to be precise. I’d go online and source for MIDI files (music files that sound like polyphonic ringtones). A few of those I used on this tape are The Fugees’ “ready or not”, Warren G’s “regulate”, Coolio’s “cu when u get there”, Bone Thugs N Harmony’s “crossroads”, Jay-Z’s “hard knock life”, Jonell’s “don’t stop” and Coolio’s “gangstas paradise”. I’d get my microphone and rap over the instrumentals with my friends, spit some of my old flows, fool around dropping some tight and some wack freestyles, interview as many people as I could and generally just run my mouth till the tape was full. Listening to it now makes me nostalgic. Oh well…I’ve missed the Cool FM chance but if feasible I’ll try and grab the next opportunity because I must admit presenting on radio is kind of cool. It feels good to able to impact positively on other people’s lives and at the same time retain one’s privacy.

Postscript: I love it when a DJ is on air. You know all that scratching and mixing of them wonderful joints. Especially when an old school track comes on or a new one that you’re really crazy about. Kai! Music na de very koko.

Yeah, I love my radio…and Cool FM 96.9

Anybody who knows me well knows that I’m intoxicated with my radio/music as much as Uganda’s Yoweri Museveni is intoxicated with power (but I dey think clearly oh!). So I don’t take it lightly with anybody who tries to diminish the enjoyment I derive from music/listening to the radio. In line with that, this post goes out to Hot FM 98.3, an Abuja radio station because from my point of view they can really do with some improvements. They’re one of the nine radio stations in Abuja; they’re privately owned and have been around for over a year. Other stations in the ABJ area are: Cool FM 96.9, Rhythm FM 94.7, Ray Power 100.5, Crowther FM 104.5, Kapital FM 92.9, Aso Radio 93.5, Vision FM 92.1 and Zuma FM 88.5. The improvements should be in four major ways:

Reading of playlists should be stopped. It would really help if you guys stopped letting in us in on the songs you’re going to play for the next hour before playing them. It spoils the fun of the whole thing. When playlists are left unpredictable, when the songs come up they are all the more enjoyable for the song’s lovers. It hits them like a gift from heaven. I guess that’s why we all love the shuffle/random function on our PC’s media player, CD deck, Discman, IPod etc. But when the playlist is announced and the songs don’t suit a listener’s taste he most likely changes the dial and that ain’t good for listernership numbers.

Presenters should stop being empty. This sounds harsh but for real your presenters are empty. In the sense that most of the time they have nothing to say…dull personalities. E.g.: you just heard “be happy” hope you guys are happy, just heard “show me love” have you should someone love today? Etc. If they ain’t telling us we’re on to Hot FM and they’re playing hot music, they’re asking us if we’re hot, or telling us the time, or their names, or not to change the dial, or what they’ll be playing next. There’s nothing really captivating in their speech, nothing to make you look forward to listening to a particular presenter. Ideally besides the basics, presenters usually dish out facts, give advice, tell stories, jokes, give infotainment news, or say stuff that’s relevant to current societal happenings.

Cooling it with the hype and jingles. The hype you guys build on air (hot this, hot that) is too damn much and the jingles you play are too damn long and many. Can we get more of five seconds or less jingles? And it’s made all the more worse by the fact that minus music and news there’s not much to look forward to. Your presenters are not utilized well/fully thus their fan base is not built. Could we have more programmes and really interesting ones at that?

Presenters should work on their accent. As an on air personality your voice and accent should be pleasant to the ears. It’s good to go natural because if you fake you end up sounding stupid when speaking Pidgin English or pronouncing names in vernacular. I get an earache when I listen to a lot of your presenters. The chick (Shola) that anchors the “flava of Naija” youth programme on radio is a good example of how to balance your flow or keep it real both ways. Her flow is flexible such that she drops her English sweetly (she doesn’t blow hyper phonetics) and flawlessly switches to pidgin/vernacular when the need arises and it’s all pure. Okay now, adios.

Hot FM’s Chaz Bruce doing his thing. Picture originally available here.