For some ladies it’s the time of the month…sorry I mean time of the year, for love. For Terry Tha Rapman, as versed in Modenine’s “spazmodic”

it’s the time of the month so I’m writing raps all day/
punch lines keep flowing so I’m with my pad Always/
haha did you get that? flowing, pad, Always?/
let’s go back to when I was writing raps in school hall ways/
reading Superman comics, bumping Dr. Dre’s Chronic/
speaking Ebonics, my pastor said it was demonic/…

While for me it’s the time of the month where my thoughts flow, and so inevitably it’s another blog post . Time don reach, abeg your kind permission to unleash.

Interviews! God damn, life is one big school of diplomacy. The interviews I’ve seen on TV and read in the print given by Obasanjo, Babangida, Adedibu, and Andy Ubah confirms the point. These are people we all know with serious cases to answer in the court of public opinion but when given the chance to bring em out our journalist disappoint at all levels. All they did was throw light questions at them, they never got deep into the one million Naira questions and at the end of the interviews we were back at square one. Not much learnt just the interviewees coming off at the top looking like saints. Let nobody attribute it to fear, it’s more of the “you chop I chop” policy. I give you five perfect moments of fame and you grease my palms…enhance my CV…guarantee me future exclusives. It’s the rat race, journalist gotta eat too you know.

And talking about politics, I was elected Fin Sec in the four-man Exco (executive committee) for corps members serving in Ukum LGA of Benue State. I’ve had a relatively quiet political past so I’m really pleased to have bagged that post. You know, I got to test my popularity and recognized that others believe in my capabilities. It’s got me slightly tipsy and feeling like I’ve got one over our politicians . But I’m afraid that my mistakes and the manly ego coupled with my fear of tomorrow might not allow me serve to the best of my ability. You see I love myself…believe in myself and any one who wants to mess me up I’ll be like fuck him/her. But I’m not all hot though; I could put up with bullshit especially when I’ll come off better in the end. I just gotta check my grudge levels while taking in so I don’t kill myself inside while the oppressor’s happy.

if wishes were horses, beggars would ride/
if I said I’m falling, would you ask why/
if you should stop calling I’ll probably die/
and if I could see you, Val would be you and I/

Much love to “you”, you sabi who you be now. For everyone else happy Valentine’s Day!

Abeg permit the loveless pup to unleash

Just came back from Benue…hoping to get back into ABJ life, the election fever and blogging (got loads on my mind). But I guess stuff is going to be different now. Lost my mum yesterday…car accident…just finding out…God knows best. I’ll miss you ma…

Edit (20th December, 2006)

I just want to say thanks and God bless to all (online and offline) who commiserated with me on the death of my mum; It sure did mean a lot to me. Her passing away came as a shock to me and I’m still grieving but life ain’t over and I still have to air out this little blog bits which have been in mind for long.

You know how some people think that when you’re born your destiny is already mapped out by God, well I object to that. I think God creates us and gives us the freewill to do as we please. Right or wrong it’s our choice, determined by whom or what influences us. God just sits back and watches the show and intervenes when he wants to or is called upon too. God finishing homework on our fate before hand, I don’t subscribe too…that would probably bore him out.

Still on destiny, I don’t subscribe to the thought that we have only one true life partner and thus won’t get the best out of life except it’s with that person. That’s small mindedness. I believe God gives us the freedom to choose from a range of people who are compatible with us, and all things being equal we can blossom with any of them. This is evident from your past really great relationships; it’s just a pity that they didn’t work. There’s always hope of another for the widow, widower or broken-hearted.

Talk about displeasures and men who give all the attention to the girl (ogle) when both sexes are before them comes to mind. The scene in the Mayor’s office in the film: Barbershop 2 is a good example of this. Yeah I know of the opposite attraction thing but hey this is a meeting of three not a dinner date of two. Such men probably had it tough growing up and thus can’t win girls fair and square without the use of the executive shine.

Ironic instances: lepa (slim) girls who fuss over food. “TRAE you’re lazy, you ain’t doing enough work…TRAE all you do is eat…TRAE don’t finish the food oh…TRAE I’m hungry stop disturbing me”. Funny thing is unlike Eldee of the Trybesmen I eat well but I ain’t fat, I work hard and enjoy my meal hard; but they work loads yet have little appetites. Quite unfair don’t you think? Anyways there were always wonders in life.

Last word: many “mum” and “missing you” songs exist; the lyrics are often too theatrical but no doubt about it I sure do miss my mum…she went too soon.

Job is done, raising ghetto kids in the hood/
You was my strength to carry on and now I’m good/
Job well done, you live through your sons and your grandchildren/
Jesus finally got his bride, mummy dance with him/… (From the song “dance” by Nas)

Where are the Northern Nigerian intellectuals? The question came to mind after reading two articles from The Nigerian Village Square; which by the way is an excellent site. Someone might argue that the south controls the press and so the North is suppressed but what about the internet? It’s supposed to be no mans land but surprisingly of the blogs, forums and Nigerian portals I read input from people of Northern extraction is often minimal. Even a look at the Nigerian diaspora in Europe and Northern America suggest that numbers from the north are but a handful. Or could it be that since the North is predominantly Muslim they prefer the Arab countries? Or maybe it’s the simple mathematics that since they’re less literate there are subsequently less intellectuals? I might be going up North in a few weeks’ times so maybe I’ll find out for myself.

In light of the fact that a number of the Nigerian bloggers I read recently spoke on religion I’m seizing the opportunity to say my own religious bit. If one was born a Christian he’d love Christianity and think it’s the one true religion. If born a Muslim he’d love Islam and think it’s only way to go. Likewise if born a pagan like in the days of our forefathers he’d love his gods and think that’s the shit. Crazy ain’t it? But bro the fact is that religion is like college fraternities. You join and subsequently follow the rules of whichever you choose. All have unity in mind, all worship the same God and all have their various highs and lows. In fact the biggest bad of religion is that all claim to be un-contradictory and perfect as a way of life when in fact none is perfect. Don’t get me started on the imperfections, Google is your friend. The funny thing is as much as they have contradictions we still need ‘em. So do your thing people; for me I’ll most likely be found in the Catholic Church.

When it comes to male-female stuff it’s often the guy that initiates the topic for discussion and then both get chatting (especially when they’re at the getting to know each other stage). But there’s room for exception, we love a girl who keeps us captivated, listening, laughing and going with her flow. In fact I really hate it when a girl calls me and has nothing to say; you know expecting me to dictate the flow. Bitch you called, speak to me, stop making me look like a jerk, I’m not Dave Chapelle you know, I don’t get paid to talk. Wallahi such stuff makes me want to decree that if you ain’t calling me about money (money coming to me, if you’re a guy) or sex (if you’re a girl) then don’t bother calling me.

Perfection can only be found in football, music, pictures…things of that sort

So I’ve been nine to fiving at a radio station for a week now. How’s it been? Ok…yeah ok. The highs: for a starter the free fast steady Internet access…yeah definitely that. Funny thing is that in Naija it’s the exception rather than the norm. The experience and knowledge being gained…priceless. It’s really a good way to set going in the industry. The music…music-library, damn! Songs I’ve being dying for are now suddenly all at my feet. God bless me! As for the lows…my friend you don’t wanna know.

During the week Chxta came through; second time meeting up with him. Along with his buddy funny-pimping Oria had fun moving round the city center. Something I hardly do, not that I ain’t outgoing but I’ve got other shit to deal with so I often don’t bother. See the pic below…cool!

Children of the corn: Oria, Chxta and TRAE

A man’s giving a speech at an occasion and he wants to talk about his wife and all that comes out is “and to my beautiful/lovely wife…”. Might not bother you but me thinks giving props to your wife with the only or first compliment being that she’s beautiful is kinda dumb…worldly. I know when it comes to marriage/relationships I’ve got my priorities in ladies well ordered. But for every other runs the dick/eye does the ordering. You know as men the first thing we see in a girl is beauty. If that’s covered then we look at other things…intelligence, humour, manners etc. Poor girls, gots to look their best 24-7 and touch their toes for pot-bellied guys. Talking about beauty fuck all the guys who say that Kemistry is ugly. For me she’s the best female Nigerian rapper I’ve ever heard. A listen to her song “shake ft Terry G” confirms that.

Stereotyping and tribalism is a bitch. We might not want to admit it but we’ve all got it in us to some extent. Hate it when Nigerians go into the tribalism debate. It’s all childish and unproductive cos in essence no one tribe is better than the other. It’s like arguing which are better, red or green apples. Blame the stereotypes in us on our parents, the society and the media that brings us up. Somebody tell me what the fuck you feel when you read this from a teenager on Nairaland in a thread where the aim is to declare your tribe:

uhhh?? Me Igbo?? Tufiakwa! (no offence to the igbo’s oo). But i am not Igbo.

Tufiakwa = “God forbid” in Igbo.

Some months back peeps were blogging about the qualities they want in their ideal man/woman while all I did was observe. But what the fuck here’s my own list. Note that it’s all just dreams, in reality we’re bound to compromise.

1) My ideal girl must be a “soji” babe…sharp, intelligent…she has got to have brains. But on the other hand she should have a great sense of humour. You know be the fun loving, friendly, drama-free and laid back type.

2) Sharing the same interests with me would be a big plus. Most importantly would be my music interest/taste. I don’t want to be getting blown off my hip hop, rock, traditional or slow jamz while she’s getting high off “aka nchawa” (an Igbo gospel song).

3) I’m also on that emotional shit. My girl must be romantic, she must pamper me, she must be a sex bomb and she must be my down ass chick who’ll be there for me 24-7.

4) I like my girls chubby, cute and sexy (sort of thick). You know the bigger (in size) the better (in the right places). But not fat oh! Paris Hilton skinny is definitely a no-no.

5) Many girls like their men tall. But if your idea of a couple is the girl as short as Jada Pinkett Smith and the man as tall as Will Smith than hell no. I want my girl to be almost as tall as me so I can kiss her with ease. Besides it’s cuter that way.

6) I’m not religion obsessed…specific. As far as she’s positive minded it’s ok with me. I’m also not tribe or race specific.

7) Age wise I’ll not want to be older than my girl by more than five years. But if she’s older, at most by two years. That way she’ll be more of a pal/buddy to me.

I like ’em black, white, Puerto Rican or Haitian/Japanese, Chinese or even Asian

It’s not just girls that are crazy about kids, yours truly dreams about having kids! In the Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfieffer film “the story of us” the guy with the patriotic orgasm favourite line was “God bless America, God bless America”. Me! My favourite line at the moment is “I want you to have my baby”. If well deployed in the course of putting your bid in or hitting it it’s a knockout. But I ain’t going old school like our parents, I ain’t raising no football team. Two or three would be just fine. But if by the time I’m 35 I’m unmarried and girlfriendless I’m going the Michael Jackson route and finding me a surrogate. Departing this world childless ain’t in my plans; I want to raise me a little man/lady.

This might not go down well with my friends but at times I find the whole Arsenal, Barcelona, Man U, Chelsea, Liverpool, Juventus for life thing very irritating. Especially when coming from Nigerians based in Naija who don’t know the half about the team they claim to support. The only team I give a damn about are my darling Super Eagles. Yes oh, in the last six years I’ve hardly missed a grade A Super Eagles match. But being that we won’t be at Germany I’m giving my heart to the Carthage Eagles of Tunisia. The players, the coach, the team play, the jersey…damn. Tunisia is the team for me at next months WorldCup. Good luck to the other African teams.

Many Nigerian bloggers have been on this “A letter to my younger self” stuff and I must admit, I like it! The basic idea is like this: “If you could write a note of advice to the girl or boy you were back then, with all the benefits of wisdom and experience you have now…what would you say?”. Well here’s what I would say.

Dear younger self,

It’s a beautiful thing to be alive, congrats. But the thing is that it passes by fast and you only get one chance at it; thus you have to make the most out of it. I write to help you out, to help you correct parts of our history which when you grow up to be me you just might not like.

1) Be studious, read your books, be a book worm. Read, read, read and read till you drop dead. Accept nothing less than a B in your courses. If you don’t understand something don’t be shy to ask for help from more knowledgeable people. Avoid procrastination and laziness; it’s good to be intelligent; in the long run it will really benefit you.

2) You’ll be growing up in a temptatious world and it could be hard for you to overcome. If you must fall, know that there are chicks and there are chicks. Some ain’t worth it. Be like a lethal center forward; take all your chances with the classy chicks. Remember that a guy who can’t get some “real koko” is a lonely mo’fucker and can be prone to serious fuck ups. The only other option is to find God and forget bout “gettin’ some” till you’re married.

3) Try and have less embarrassing moments that you’d hate looking back at when you become me. You can do that by trying to be cool always. Learn from older folks and anybody/stuff with experience to share.

4) Stop being selfish and self centered. Be sociable, make more friends and be team player. That way you’ll really enjoy your school life plus it’ll make you an all round better person.

5) Don’t joke with your football. Make sure you are as good on the field as you are with Play Station soccer. That way you’ll live to reap the joys of playing football with the boys when you’re older.

6) Make effort to be able to speak Igbo fluently so that you won’t get the chills when you’re amongst your kinsfolk. There is power in being multilingual.

Good luck little man
Your older self

I’ve said it before and I’m saying it again: “The average human being has Mondays to Sundays, but for me…everyday is a traeday”. But when you talk of traedays April 17 is prime. Yes I’m turning 23 in ten days time. Kinda early to announce it but hey I don’t post that frequently so better early than never . But this year I’m indifferent about my birthday. I’m not brooding about getting old and my failures thus far nor am I hyper excited about it. I’m taking it in my stride, its going be like any other day….well sort of sha. And being that there are so many tagging games going on in the Nigerian blogosphere I’m getting with the trend. Yes I’m tagging myself . TRAE name seven things you’d love to achieve in your 23rd year.

1) Win the lottery and get myself a pimped out handset with all the works (camera, radio, MP3 player, GPRS etc), a laptop to die for and…a nice little car.
2) Be on the come up for real…i.e. commanding a steady monthly income of at least 100k for starters.
3) Get myself a down ass chick. i.e. a girlfriend who’ll always be there whether we’re flying okada (motorcycle) together to the park for a picnic or we’re on the plane together heading to Calabar for the weekend. Yes Rihanna, I’m ready to make you my girl. Holla at your boi!
4) Serve Nigeria and then move on with my life. I.e. undergo the NYSC stuff definitely in the September 2006 batch but if I miss that and end up not killing myself then in the March 2007 batch.
5) Live to see OBJ abort his third term plans and then have worthy presidential aspirants step up to the challenge in the April 2007 elections. You know really sharp and smart people with positive attributes. E.g. NAFDAC’s Director General Dora Akunyili.
6) Be at the stadium for at least one of Nigeria’s qualifying matches for Ghana 2008 dressed in full green white green regalia. If possibly an away match, Uganda versus Nigeria in Kampala would be lovely.
7) Get a verse on one of the hit Nigerian singles in the near future (i.e. being featured or being a guest artist on a song). Or alternatively cutting my teeth in the events management business. Specifically by taking part in organizing a tour, concert or show in Nigeria.

I know all in all I might be dreaming as if I’m to achieve any of my targets it’ll most likely be when I’m past 23, but it never hurt anyone to dream once in a while.

Now back to reality. I’ve being reading Chidi Afulezi’s diary. He’s a US born; Naija bred guy repping Owerri in the USA. Nwannem a nam ekele gi (forgive my written Igbo). The entries in it were made between 1999 and 2000. By today’s standard that was a damn good blog, probably the first ever Nigerian one! He should be like 34 now, possibly with wife and kids and earning them big bucks from his engineering stuff. On the real does anyone know what the brother is up to these days? Is he now writing else where? Anyways I’ll shoot him an email, hopefully he’ll get it.

Sorry to spoil the lovvy dovvy stuff with politics. But it was the best picture available to me as at press time . Anyways I’m anti-third term. Why? Read the placard. One!

I’m getting really addicted to reading blogs, especially those with a lot of personal stories to tell. It feels good seeing life through other people’s eyes and learning a new thing or two. But it’s a shame that I can’t be that personal on my own blog; I ain’t got it in boldness like some other bloggers. Worse still I’m not blogging anonymously so my ranting license is limited; how sad. I started blogging un-anonymously so I gots to keep to the status quo. It reminds me of the hint that one has to be careful about what you put online. Because after your stuff has been indexed a zillion times by Google and co; getting it erased off cyber space at a latter date is as hard as erasing the trauma of rape from an abused child’s mind.

That was some sad shit. But on the happy side I recently put face to another of my anonymous peoples’ name…Chxta. As is common in these cases what you conjure up in your mind is often not what you see. I thought he’ll be all big bros and shit and be a little too mature/serious minded for my liking but the Chxta I finally met was one chubby, cool and down to earth guy.

For those who don’t know, Big Brother Nigeria is finally on. I hardly ever follow reality shows or more correctly I hardly ever get the chance to follow reality shows. Things might change this time around though because I know two of the contestants (Maureen and Ebuka)! Maureen and I were mates at UNN. Matriculated the same year, were in the same faculty and even took a few courses together. But back then I was really on the low socially so up until the last time I saw her (late last year) it was basically all light chit chat. As for Ebuka he’s an old boy of CKC Gwagwalada, same as my bro and I. They still got a little under 90 days to keep doing their thing; I wonder how far they’ll both go. ***Shakes head, TRAE which day you join groupies them? ***.

Also we got “a first” coming up tomorrow. It’s the Hip Hop World Awards. It’s the first ever awards dedicated solely to Nigerian Hip hop. Too bad that my ass won’t be in Lagos to witness the whole shit.

Maureen and Ebuka. My peoples: when I shine, you shine; when you shine, I shine. It’s all love.

This post is meant to clear the storm about homosexuality that has been raging on TRAE days. Don’t even bother yourself with trying to keep the storm going cos I’ll delete your comment. If you want to discuss homosexuality, do it on your blog.

Jeremy and Owukori misinterpreted my statements and started this storm. When I said “lesbos probably need a dick whipping” I meant that lesbians would most likely have a change of heart on their sexual orientation if they had mind blowing sex with a guy.

If I’ve hurt anybody in the process I’m sincerely sorry. But I still don’t think homosexuality is cool. Since it matters so much to a lot of people what I think about gays, I’m ready to change my mind if the price is right. In the end it’s all about the Naira you know.

For peeps who still think I’m homophobic check this: I’ve started reading afrohomo’s blog! Dude’s writing is simply captivating! And also check this:

I flow straight and precise, like a man killing device/
Fuck with me I’ll take your life, cos my heart’s as cold as ice/
My mouth’s raw as Obie Trice, I love dykes I ain’t biased/
Wanna battle (me)? Come on be wise, I’ll fuck you (up) like a fly ass/

“Dyke” is a slang term for a lesbian.

Thanks for all the love and hate. And Yes I still think hip hop and soccer is life. If you think otherwise, keep it to yourself. It’s a free world.

Although I’m not much of a soccer player, soccer is still the love of my life. It’s the greatest sport in the world! One of the things I really like about it is the celebration that ensues when a goal is scored. It’s not a high scoring sport like basketball so goal celebrations are really wild. The crowd goes crazy and the goal scorer (along with his team mates) gets to celebrate in (almost) any way they like. I’m really really loving the goal celebrations in the on-going African Cup of Nations. Most of them involve a little dance and right now they are the coolest thing on earth!

See Nigeria’s Taye Taiwo’s celebration after scoring against Ghana.
See Côte d’Ivoire’s Drogba’s celebration after scoring against Libya.
See Senegal’s Henry Camara’s celebration after scoring against Zimbabwe.

The list goes on. For my Nigerians who want to get every detail about our ACN campaign Kickoffnigeria.com and forum.cybereagles.com are the very places to be at. Peace!

The Super Eagles celebrate after Taye Taiwo’s goal

Today’s lesson is on chicken and beer. Chickens…chicks…lesbos. Yep, I’m ranting off on homosexuals and drinking.

I’m the last person you’ll see spending money on booze. That is to say I don’t drink. Or more precisely I hardly drink, I do so only socially. And that’s good for me cos I ain’t ever want to see myself addicted to the bottle. But sha I’m kinda getting used to it these days…my friends have being initiating me. You know I gotta be all manly and shit. Some days back we went drinking at one of them garden joints (they’re scattered all over Abuja municipal area council) and after every I got thinking and recognize that when we guys be out drinking we talk a lot of shit; a lot of useless, stupid and silly stuff. It’s like in the economic law of diminishing returns. At first guys meet up to drink once In a while and it’s all fun. Then over time you start to “live to drink”, you’re always gulping down alcohol with your peers. Hanging out over bottles of beer becomes played out, the same old faces, same old dumb minds, same old stupid gist. At that point stuff is being overdone. Me thinks many guys are at this stage. Could we please get a life and move on to other things…don’t you see you’re getting pot bellied?

On the other hand that was a bit too harsh, because for many adults over here considering the social-economic status of the country the beer parlour is their only recreation spot. And some how it’s natural that as boys become men their meeting point changes too from the play ground to the beer parlour. Nevertheless if you’re pro-bottle make sure you’re sipping that drink with the right crew around you and do it in moderation.

We’re through with beer, over to the chicken. My brain did a eureka on me recently, thus I present to you my reproductive organ theory (Keep a straight face and read on!). It simply states that being gay ain’t natural. What are you? A Christian, Muslim, Atheist, whatever. At least you’ll agree with me that the brain(s) behind human life had a reason for giving men a penis and women a vagina. Yuck, this is dirty writing. Henceforth I’m calling them the P and the V. remember I’m not working with spirituality. Just as it’s natural for a woman to breastfeed a baby and a man doing so as would be wrong, it’s also natural for the P to hang out with the V. two V’s hanging out using dildo’s candles and shit or two P’s hanging out hitting each other through the anus is thus crazy…abnormal to say the least! If you’re a farmer looking out for your money and you see your prize bull mounting another bull and not a cow would you say “oh it’s his choice, let him be”? Definitely not, you’ld probably say “that bull is sick in the head”. Therefore under natural law there ain’t no justification for our brothers and sisters being gay. They’re sick in the head straight up. No matter how our minds have being conditioned to look at it as normal it’s not normal.

Being that in Africa homosexuality ain’t a common phenomenon, when I see some of them Western pro-gay stuff I get really baffled. I guess it gets the Nigerian government baffled as well cos they recently started making moves to ban all forms of homosexuality in the country.

Anyways me thinks lesbos probably need a dick whipping and gay dudes probably need to ponder over Tony Tetuila and 2face Idibia’s words: “ogogoro be like woman, if you shack am you go high oh!”

Great combos, props to UNN: okpa and cigar, akara and breast. Another great combo, props to Ludacris: chicken and beer