I made this post on Facebook today:

“So about two months back some chick I used to know threatened me that if I didn’t give my life to Christ that the bad luck of my losing my first banking job and been involved in a car accident would continue. I cut off and unfriended the dumb bitch right away. And now recently some chick I’ve become good friends with in the past four years judges me that I’m a bad person and ungrateful to God for surviving my accident because I don’t speak in tongues, read the bible, attend night vigils and pay tithes. As if that’s the only measure of a good person. Abeg beam me up Scotty, there’s no intelligent life down here!”

And one of the comments in reply read in quote: “I guess the part that gets me is the constantly implied drivel that somehow being agnostic correlates with increased level of intelligence”.

I think I should give instances why agnostics reason better and are generally more intelligent than people who steadfastly affirm to a religion. It’s for you to read the examples and put two and two together. So here goes.

1) If I put a bowl in front of your door at night with such items like an egg, a white feather, a white cloth, sprinkled blood, a chicken head and a bead, nine out of ten people wouldn’t use that exit in the morning. They’d call some sort of pastor or priest which would indirectly cost them at least a thousand Naira; who would pray for at least 5 minutes, sprinkle holy water around and set fire to the bowl. All this taking at least an hour and distracting you from the job of the day. An agnostic would throw the bowl in the dustbin and immediately be off to work.

2) When the infamous slapping by David Oyedepo of a girl who claimed to be a winch for Jesus came to the fore nine out of ten people defended him. In accordance to the “do you know who I am” creed they opined she was evil and came to disrespect and tempt the Bishop. Very few saw it as child abuse…battery, and as an instance of a mentally disturbed girl who found herself in the wrong place at the wrong time.

3) Work real hard, have lots of skill and some luck and meteorically find yourself in the limelight as a music star. Don’t kill anyone, don’t steal, don’t cheat, don’t commit any crime against humanity just be popular. And you can be rest assured that somewhere in Ajegunle in the slums, two boys over a bottle of beer…or in Victoria Island, two ladies while fixing their hair attachments in the salon are bantering over the conspiracy theory that you’re a member of the Illuminati Cult. Their discussion will not change the price of garri in the market but they’ll argue and deride you all the same.

4) When I was in the university in my third year one of my roommates and his twin brother were Seventh Day Adventists in their first year studying medicine. During exam time one of their papers; a core course was rescheduled for Saturday. They never did write that paper preferring instead to worship at church. Subsequently down the years they had academic problems. Their status as medical students was not tenable and they never did graduate as Doctors. Stuff along similar lines is still happening today in Nigeria.

5) When adults my age were kids…and I’m sure even till date, if you grew up in a Christian home and had Muslims as neighbours you were never allowed to eat the meat given to you as gifts during Sallah celebrations. Such meat always ended up in the dustbin. The only consolation being offered by parents being that God forbids you contaminate yourself with food offered to foreign gods. Yes, Nigeria was a green land and food was never our problem.

6) Islam is the dominant religion of Northern Nigeria. And one day should an unidentified person use a torn page from the Quran to wipe his bum after defecating be rest assured that the religious clerics there will easily mobilize more than five million devotees to wreck havoc on all Igbo traders within reach. Yes Allahu Akbar, God is great. And suicide bombings and killings against Americans while exclaiming Allahu Akbar is a manifestation of such greatness.

7) Islam is for the pious. Dutifully all women should compulsory wear the hijab and if possible cover their whole body in black cloth. Men are weak spirited and should not be tempted. A woman’s body is the sole property of her husband and should be kept so. Men on the other hand were created in God’s own image and likeness and should enjoy the sunlight and be proud to display their bodies in various attire as a tribute to the Most High who created them.

8) Allahu Akbar; God is great and we must raise our young ones to know so. Our young boys should be sent away to indoctrinate this religious education into them at a tender age in informal Almajiri institutions. They should roam the street and beg to imbibe the culture of meekness. Forget that it breeds poverty and illiteracy as other skills are not imparted into the kids, at least they can always live a righteous life as sugar cane sellers, security men, bread and tea kiosk owners or manicure and pedicure experts.

9) Finally a look at the world map shows Nigeria is at the center of the world. Yes we are God’s own nation and as such our Government should continue to lavish billions of Nairas each year sponsoring Hajjs to Mecca and Pilgrimages to Jerusalem. Forget that there is no direct or indirect benefit of such expeditions on our GDP or standard of living; we must just continue to do it. As Femi Fani-Kayode, then Special Assistant to President Olusegun Obasanjo often said when rebuking Wole Soyinka and Chinua Achebe “we are not ashamed of that fact that we are a nation of believers…we believe that God rules in the affairs of men”. Yes what distinguishes us from other people is that we are a praying nation, little wonder we’re recognized as the most religious and happiest nation in the world. How wonderful!

Update: I think my line of argument in this post was misunderstood. I was not saying that being outstanding intellectually is directly proportional to being atheist/agnostic. I was saying you stand a higher chance of success at tackling many problems of the world if you approached it from the agnostic front…the rational front. Hence my listing 9 typical everyday challenges.

Still high off my last post I learnt about this today: “A Love Story in 22 Pictures” and it almost brought tears to my eyes.

It’s a very close reminder of my own situation. Yes, If you could feel how my face felt, you would know how Mase felt/Thank God I ain’t too cool for the safe belt/. All other things could be equal…pari passu but having someone to love, spend time with and clean up after you is such a big part of a successful recovery. Great relationships are not a bed of roses, no one knows tomorrow, but even if shit happens, I really do cherish and will continue to cherish this moment. I’m in a safe place right now. Yes, she was with me before the deal, she’s been trying to be mine/she a Delta so she been throwing that Dynasty sign/.

Luckiest man on earth with the loveliest gem to be unearth. 30.09.12.

Kanye West’s debut album “The College Dropout” is one of my all time favourite rap albums. And now more than ever before Kanye’s life inspires me. “Through the wire” being key. I can see a bit of my life in some of him. From dropping out of school, being a struggling producer, surviving a bad car crash, getting signed to a major label and staying relevant for almost a decade in the rap scene; that’s history right there. Yes, this was just a small post dedicated to her…The best I’ve ever had. That’s all folks.

But I can’t complain what the accident did to my left eye/
Cause look what an accident did to Left Eye/
First Aaliyah now Romeo must die?/
I know I got angels watching me from the other side/

Kanye West in “never let me down” featuring Jay-Z from the album “The College Dropout”

My accidented truck

In the light of satirical writer Elnathan John’s latest piece “How to survive a road accident” (available here) I decided to work up my injured wrist, summon whatever little writing skill I had left and pen this…or is it type this. This part of the essay particularly inspired me: “This is how to survive a road accident in Nigeria: Pray. Pray that someone with quick thinking and hospital contacts runs into you. Do not expect the police to know what to do. Do not expect emergency services. Just pray.”

Some four years back living the fresh graduate dream of working as a banker I would probably agree with you that I was in a tasking profession and that finding time to do anything on this job was a miracle and as such Friday nights and weekends were heaven. But two months back, July 14th 2012 to be precise I would probably tell you that working in sales in FMCG was second only to sitting in GEJ’s hot seat as commander in chief. I was up late into the night, continuing early the next morning finishing a report whose submission deadline had just expired. I slept at Ade’s for company and to take advantage of his stand by generator. The next morning Sunday the 15th I loaded up my MP3 player with songs to help me get by the long journey, dashed home to get some gear and hit the road for a 5 hour trip (to and fro though). The company was about to launch the redesigned Star bottle and we had to redistribute the old Star stocked in a warehouse in a neighbouring town to ensure quick depletion before the planned new launch. With my boss and 2 colleagues of mine we were to drive in a convoy, but sensing they weren’t yet ready I passed by our meet up spot and hit the road early so I could make it back by midday to do other stuff.

And that was all I remembered. Word was that 45 minutes into my journey I had a head on collision with an empty fuel tanker. Being the careful driver I’ve always been I’m still stunned as to how that ever happened. The good or great thing though is that like Elnathan advised the lines fell unto me in pleasant places. After I left Boss and my colleagues followed me up shortly. At my accident scene the typical Naija crowd was forming with shouts of “mo gbe” and all what not but no one really doing anything. Boss soon caught up with me, dialed his hospital contacts prepping them for my arrival, lifted me up into his passenger seat with me clutching my broken wrist and sped the 45 minutes or so journey back to Ilorin.

Two months later, many plates of food from Boss wife after, and visits, love and care from family and friends I’m sitting at home. Luckily having to contend only with a fracture at the left wrist and right femur, and six nerve palsy in my left eye. How I survived it all I don’t know, I’m God’s son. But working for a great company, generous enough to put me on 4 months sick leave, expend on me and transport me to Lagos for a checkup is definitely a saving grace. To top it all up like Lisa’s Dad exclaimed in “Coming to America” I really did do it this time; I hit the jackpot. I couldn’t have come thus far without my girlfriend AyoB catering to me all the way. Always knew she was the complete package right from the start but if I ever did need any confirmation I’ve gotten it. My Chukwuemeka Ike Toads for Supper inter-tribal dreams are coming true. And so now you know the answer to the question “who do I want to spend the rest of my life with”.

Some shit I wrote way back under very different circumstances from my present day realities. I advise you don’t take it too seriously and see it as a work of art…creative writing bla bla bla.

While most parts of the world are making great strides towards the enshrinement of workers’ rights vis-à-vis maintaining a healthy and motivated labour force there are still those companies in modern day Nigeria who embarrassingly refuse to grow up out of the dark ages. A prime example is Team Morale Ltd, a service provider for Hello Nigeria.

Rumour has it that Team Morale Ltd managed by Doctor Pep Talker, a two term Chairman of the Committee of Approved Nigerian Telecoms Operatives is fronting for top heads at Hello Nigeria such that he was able to successfully get the outsourcing contract from Hello Nigeria for its’ Online Call Centre in Jang which has now become its’ biggest such unit in Nigeria surpassing other such units in Eko, KD and Kan Aminu.

Investigations reveal that the condition of its’ staff at The Jang Call Centre can best be described as modern day slavery. Or what else do you describe a situation in which after almost a year of operation staff there do the same work with the same targets as their counterparts in Eko, KD and Kan Aminu yet earn one third their salary and don’t even have the privilege of owning staff lines.

Hello Nigeria’s Jang workers are the most poorly motivated Call Center Representatives you’ll ever find in any Nigerian telecoms firm. A look at the behaviour of Team Morale Ltd’s HR right from the recruitment stage will show the total disregard Hello Nigeria-Team Morale Ltd has for its staff. Hundreds of youths were deceived to leave behind better paying jobs and bare the risk of relocating to a volatile Jang in the hope of better work conditions with Hello Nigeria, one of Nigeria’s top GSM networks only to be hit with an inhuman offer of employment letter whose take home pay can’t even get them home on a regular monthly basis.

The end result of this is that Hello Nigeria’s Jang Call Center Representatives occasionally lose it, transferring their aggression on to their customers in a display of appalling customer service.

That Hello Nigeria-Team Morale Ltd management can be very high handed is an understatement. Unfriendly policy decisions such as maternity leave with any form of pay and hoarding of Information especially as regards staff welfare is the order of the day, consequently with life at the Call Center resembling the dark days of military rule in Nigeria.

Staff are regularly punished with no form of appeal and sacked with impunity as evident in the layoff of no less than 30 workers since January 2011 for flimsy reasons such as merely offering positive suggestions which go against the managements ideal of how to move the company forward.

The rot in Hello Nigeria-Team Morale Ltd is exemplified in that it’s Jang Call Center Operations Manager an expatriate, whose contribution to productivity is questionable has since December of 2010 being taking up residence in an hotel room whose bills for a day is enough to pay a month’s salary of the lowest of its Call Center Agent.

Staff role appointment is also to a large extent devoid of merit with the ranks being manned by many management yes boy and girls. With an ingenious divide and rule remuneration policy set up to reward such yes boys and girls on a monthly basis.

Rounding of this expose on a light note, with a population of over 900 and counting, a common Jang beer parlour gist is that Hello Nigeria-Team Morale Ltd spinsters are the cheapest in town, easier than University of Jang female undergraduates as being eager for marriage to lift them out of their pitiable situation they have set their standards so low.

In conclusion all evidence points to the fact that a Sanusi Lamido like banking system cleansing would be welcomed in Hello Nigeria-Team Morale Ltd.

So you’ve heard and read it all: the execution of Troy Davies in Georgia USA, The release by Iran of the US spies/hikers and the arrest of the British-Ghanaian banker Kweku Adoboli plus tons others. In all the common denominator I’m interested in at the moment is detention as a result of an alleged crime. What are some of the tips you’re better off knowing as a Nigerian male who’s expected to be a man in all situations, and if by chance you find yourself locked down how do you cope.

1) The first rule of being a Master Mind is to not get caught, yes as incompetent as the Nigerian security agencies are you still need to cover your tracks. The odds are stacked against you though cos in most cases somehow somehow fowl nyash dey open, but the smart will know how to lay low after a hit with making it in the long run in mind. But truth be told despite the thrill of a misdemeanor, and in a lot of cases trying to prove a point because you’re aggrieved ultimately there’s nothing as good as having peace of mind. The benefits of going legit cannot be overstated; your people need you and you can’t afford to let them down. Like Osaze, Enyeama and MySpace.com you’re not indispensable and people tend to forget you when you go down. But form is temporal and class is permanent; try to be spotless and excel in your own field so that when your name is mentioned people remember you for the positive effect you had on their life.

2) For the most part infrastructure wise Nigeria can be a very horrible place. Thus if you find yourself in police detention be prepared for the worst. The EFCC net though is notches up that ladder possible because of the higher standing of the institute and inmates thus in many more ways its sanity friendly and assault and homosexuality free. Both ways though when the desirable is not available the available becomes desirable. Little things like pillows, bed space near exits become coveted and your animal survival instincts will come to play but your ability to be amiable will keep you in the good books of all. Detention will take away your freedom, you’ll dream not of driving a good car but of just being able to take a walk in the park. And not going anywhere fast you’ll think your whole life like reading the Bible start to finish many times over. Fear not though because whatever comes to a man is equal to a man. Stick with the happy crowd, there’ll be lots of laughs to share and try to engage yourself productively. Stay healthy and body build when possible; also learn as many skills as you’ll be exposed to that’ll raise your value in the job market when you’re out. Personally I advise against getting your mind twisted with the Bible or religious stuff as it only serves to give you hope of a lazy kind with lots of man hours waste in tow. It’s like getting addicted to gambling instead of seeing how you can go one step better than chance/luck to seize control of your universe. In all try to keep a positive mind; worthy of note: The Shawshank Redemption.

3) Success has many fathers but failure is an orphan. This idiom will come to play in your detention experience. I’ve seen a lot in my lifetime that I can authoritatively tell you that very few will be willing and able to sacrifice time and money to help you when you’re down. Some will sympathize from afar but for most life just goes on. Your 100% bet of people that’ll come get you out or run around to meet your bail conditions is your family, possibly because blood is thicker than water and people feel naturally drawn to help their own. Other than that this is when you’ll know your true/real friends. Forget about how much of the guy or popular you think you are now, detention and down times reveal the big picture. You’ll do well to reanalyze and balance out your relationships now knowing where the people in your life stand so as to avoid a shock therapy in future. On a lighter scale “thank God you’re not an Americans”, in the West its stuff like this that renders people homeless but you’re Nigerian and should make sure you have a healthy support system by your good deeds now that you’re on top.

4) Finally a note for government and anyone entrusted with leadership position over others. People just want to work and be happy (gainful employment), make an honest living and be able to splurge once in a while. Not worrying about where the next meal will come from and where to lay their head at night. To dissuade people from committing crime you’ve got to work your social security system, create jobs, pay a living wage and make available the necessary infrastructure. Humanity starts with you and me and realizing in our every action that we’re all brothers and everyone has the right to live and not just exist. It’s either that or the words of Tupac Amaru Shakur will forever reign true: “I ain’t guilty cos even though I sell rocks/it feels good putting money in your mail box/”.

You might want to click on the link below and download the PDF; it’s great stuff about career related decisions courtesy my bro.

Multiple Choices: Planning Your Career for the 21st Century

I just wanted to add that you and I active job seekers know what the market is like. Masters/PHD without job experience is bullshit. If I was hiring any such person would be on a long thing. I find it strange that people spend their money and time doing masters in Sociology etc when they don’t plan to do jack with it. Doing masters just for the sake of doing masters; and in the end holding down a shitty paying job. Paper qualifications are overrated. In most cases a degree or its equivalent is ok. Even sef if you’re into entertainment or self employed I’d say fuck the degree and do a course/certification in line with your career objectives. Down with distant learning culture in Naija, adults 25 years and above still being fed by their parents, over reliance on lazy ass Government jobs and minimum wage paying white collar gigs. I take my hats off to entrepreneurs; Lord knows we need more of them.

My advice would be when on IT make sure you actually make great effort with learning on the job skills. Pick up a trade, there’s no shame in making money and being an independent adult. Skill is everything, while waiting to write JAMB UME immerse yourself in learning stuff: programming, tailoring, baking, carpentry etc. Like Whiz Kid said don’t dull! If the jobs that fit your skill set can be thought to an OND holder in a month you’ll continue to be the bottom of the food chain. On the other hand concrete knowledge/skills gained never leaves you; it’s like fixed capital.

Note that I’m not absolving myself of any guilt, just venting. See the below quotes. Peace!

These days when people talk about scarcity of good jobs, I sometimes wonder, I think skilled graduates are much more scarce than good Jobs.

My company has been seeking to recruit a programmer in a certain language for like 4 months and even advertised in a national daily with no success! Despite the number of interested applicants we have.

I have also been seeking a candidate who has even a basic knowledge of PHP/MySql in Abuja for weeks without success and there are still jobless computer science students in this country!

Typical dulling (under employed) Naija civil servant

As bad decisions go, I have had a few myself, the worst of which, I reckon is leaving my decent job in Abuja and turning down two other better offers to travel to the UK for an expensive Masters degree, frittering away all I had worked for. Masters degree completed, no job in the UK, no job in Nigeria, where do I go from here? Lessons learnt!

In the main this is a rant on hair, many thanks to the “go-natural movement” I’ve immersed myself in of late like my brother rightly pointed out. I was inspired to put this up after a the-last-straw-that-broke-the-camel’s-back moment from an incident slightly similar prompted me to get stuff off my chest. All in all the theme of this write up is that Black people should learn to love their own…themselves.

Firstly I know we’re hooked to the American culture and all but make we dey try for ourselves now! I’m sick of Nigerian radio and TV presenters reeling out “today in history” facts full of American and Western incidences. Didn’t shit happen in our own past? Let’s go the extra mile to learn about them!

It has always been a thing of joy to me when I discover Nigerian stuff from way back online, be it old pictures, audio and video clips, and articles throwing light on historical high points which I hitherto knew next to nothing about. Sadly a good number of these discoveries have been courtesy websites managed by non-Nigerians.

I accept that a major cause of this minus our piss poor record keeping is the fact that formal education was very late to reach our parts but this excuse is no longer tenable in our past 50 years or thereabouts. Like the Noah’s Ark example if we don’t preserve we face the option of destruction.

And what easier way to start a rebirth than to sensibly populate the Wikipedia articles of concepts that we’re very familiar with. No longer should lack of information undermine us; additionally with this we should be spoilt for choices whenever we want to cite historical references and quotes.

There’s nothing more beautiful or cute then beholding a natural hair wearing sister, more so one whom you can appreciate without the need for all that make up stuff. (For those wondering none of the girls in this picture ”attached”. I repeat none. You can get your hair to look like this if you educate yourself. The picture was taken at a natural hair meet-up in Kenya.)

Secondly and in the main: hair. True words as my good friend Miss Bennie pointed out it’s all a matter of choice. That is, the decision by Black women to engage in the heavy use of chemicals, weaves and extensions as against wearing their hair naturally. But the glaring thing is that many Black/Nigerian women today make this choice based on an ill informed premise. It’s like being born into Christianity and having your whole reasoning shaped by the Bible, never taking the chance to criticize your beliefs and thus holding a condescending view of Non Christians and proclaiming like my colleagues Nsikan and Adeleke are want to often do that “if you’re not born again then you’re not smart enough”.

For me the choice I’ve made is that as much as possible wifey should be seriously pro natural hair. Braids are cool but wigs and weaves reduced to the barest minimal. On my own tip I’m dreaming locks and braids if ish permits. This ain’t no fad; all the girls I’ve ever been close to can bear me witness that I’ve always been an admirer of the natural hair and facial look. And if I ever was different then it had got to be road kill. Road kill is road kill, no strings attached.

Colonialism and globalization have condition Black people to accept Western Standards of beauty from birth and adopt the defeatist attitude that their hair is inferior. Consequently they style their hair after their Westerners with a great majority wearing artificial/other people’s hair to feel complete. Sadly a lot of them repeatedly turn down the chance to go natural not understanding that as hair textures are different so also should hair care be. It’s like being a sportsperson; you don’t apply the exact same set of skills you use in a rugby game to play American football.

Sadly the same people who cry out that all men are created equal and decry racism as per economic opportunities then turn around to bitch that their Creator created them with inferior hair. What irony! Don’t tell me you don’t see nothing wrong in our grandmothers going strong on 70 still rocking weaves and wigs all the way to the grave. Or in 95% of our young ladies fresh outta secondary school taking part in The Most Beautiful Girl in Nigeria (MBGN) beauty pageant condemning themselves to carry other people’s hair in order to be called beautiful. As some wise chick once put it “Natural hair is better for the SAME reason your OWN skin colour is better. Because you shouldn’t have to modify the colour of your skin by bleaching it before you can be called beautiful.”

For those interested in the natural hair movement there are abundance of materials online to help you when you google. The website “Black Girl Long Hair” is a nice starting point. ‘Nuff said, love your own people, I rest my case!

Anyone who’s been following my Facebook rants knows I am totally appalled by INEC chairman Professor Attahiru Jega recent goofs that led to the double postponements /rescheduling of the national Assembly elections. Strongly sharing the sentiments of Rhythm 93.7 Jos election day studio guest (his name slips my mind) it is a crying shame that after 4 years of preparations we’re nowhere better than we were the last time general elections were conducted. Same old story and excuses. What shocks me even more is seeing people give him the thumbs up despite this fiasco; that what he did was brave. It goes to show how low we’ve set our standards as a nation that we should celebrate mediocrity as if we don’t deserve better.

Proactiveness would have prevented all this. And taking a decision to postpone the elections the first time around is not rocket science; for Christ’s sake that’s the logical move going by the electoral act. Giving the position of things that afternoon anyone (even a 10 year old) in Jega’s shoes would have done the same thing. Sacking Jega now is not an option being that we’re at the peak of operations but if we must progress as a nation then we must be disciplined and strive for excellence. Encouraging people to do right and when they do right and duly applying penalties when things go wrong to ensure everyone steps up their game.

I’ll tell you a story; when I was in banking, to enable checks and balances we had a practice of rotating duties as to which pair of staff were the custodian of the branch keys weekly. It so happened that on one faithful day a staff on duty due to one reason or the other was late to work and forgot the branch keys at home. The consequence was that the branch missed clearing at CBN for that day. In the Nigerian context clearing is an activity mediated by the Central bank in which different banks come together to net off or settle their trades, transactions and interbank cheques. Such dealings often run into millions if not billions of Nairas and determines when customers get value for cheques deposited into their accounts. For such an error which adversely affected the bank in its intent to meet its service level agreement with its customers, the said staff was suspended without pay for one month as a disciplinary measure. Now think about what Jega did and the adverse effects it had financially, logistically and psychologically on the total mass of 150 million Nigerians and tell me why actions shouldn’t be taken against the INEC staff responsible for letting the nation down. Personally I’d like to see some months of working suspension without pay imposed as a deterrent against such behaviour ever again.

Let’s say no to mediocrity in Naija; we deserve better! (Art wise this is not the most professional of jobs but you can get where I’m driving at right?)

My colleagues and followers of my rants on Facebook alike also know I am an ardent supporter of Governor Ibrahim Shekarau’s cause to be elected president this year. And so recently I was asked why I take such a stand and being one to stand on the path of reason I did so as follows.

1) He has the necessary political experience being a two term Governor of a state as important as Kano.

2) He is intelligent, cool, calm, collected and has the leadership charisma. He’s the kind of person you’ll be bold/proud to point out as your president. As was seen at the recent Presidential debates he was the only candidate that addressed the issues sensibly. Showing within those hours that he was a candidate with a clear thought mission, well informed of our national challenges and realistically having ideas on how to tackle them. Contrast this to Nuhu Ribadu who debated exuberantly like a school boy Student Union President, Buhari who had his head in the clouds or President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan (JEG) who kept on riding his luck and failing to inspire confidence.

3) He is a fine gentleman devoid of ethnic and religious sentiments who in the past 8 years has been able to greatly ensure peace and stability in Kano as diverse as it is.

4) He is a sound policy maker, who does his homework well and consults extensively before swinging into action. Agreed there might have been a few contentious issues but all said and done Governor Ibrahim Shekarau’s is an honest, hardworking, modest and incorrupt leader who did a fair job in Kano State.
5) He is a humble man; you can’t but be enthralled if you read up on his rise to the post of Governor from being a mere civil servant. He also is very diplomatic, and few exist who can objectively speak badly of him.

6) Real recognizes real; no wonder Pat Utomi also endorses him.

7) Compared to the competition, he is the best choice. Buhari truncated democracy in the past and has no moral right to aspire to be President. Nuhu is simply not up to standard and inexperienced. Jonathan is not his own man and doesn’t have the mettle of a president.

Tony Tetuila’s “hit my car” track from about 10 years back was just a song to me, not until it was dramatised in my life a little over eight months ago. Sadly the culprit wasn’t anyone at all in the mould of Tinubu which would have got me prostrating in hope of better things to come. The culprit wasn’t even on Eedris levels, in which case the fear of shame and face saving would have settled everything. The culprit was like me a bloody commoner and frustrating as the whole experience was, mobility was finally restored with me learning my lessons the hard way.

June 12th was the day. Much like it symbolizes for us in our national consciousness: good turned bad, turned good again; it was for me sort of like the gift and the curse. Some stuff I was pursuing finally materialised on that day but sadly my car was also involved in a crash. The reason being that out of trust built up over some months I had turned a blind eye to the fact that my repaired car would stay overnight in my mechanic’s care. And as fate would have it the worst happened, the car got hit pretty badly and my mechanic sustained injuries, though not too severe. All this left me as confused as Nigerians after The Eagles’ one nil loss to Argentina; hoping for the best but expecting the worst.

What follows are some of the lessons learnt in my eight month ordeal. These are all purely from the Nigerian experience, though first time car owners wherever might still be able to learn a thing or two.

The chief of this is that there’s no substitute for family. Like Baz Luhrmann implied in “everybody’s free to wear sunscreen” they’re the ones that will always have your back. My father was immense in this regard. Demoralized, confused and low on cash my Dad encouraged me greatly and we decided against the use of force/courts because face it all lawyers and the police are really interested in Naija style is money. Funds were sourced for the repair to commence, which all in all cost about one third the original purchase price of the car. The agreement reached with my mechanic being he’d take responsibility and pay back in instalments till the refund was achieved.

Naturally the repair was in trusted in the hands of mechanic and his associates. The procedure being body work (panel beating), engineering (mechanical) and then electricals. The basics being done I had to take the car to a different workshop where it’ll be worked on with much more seriousness to take care of the finishing. Because as expected my mechanic just wanted to do the bare minimal and get the load off his chest once and for all. Ideally with money and man power on call this repair could be concluded in a month, but realistically it’s worth noting that after an accident and repairs Naija style the car will never be the same. Like they say there might be forgiveness but the scars will always remain.

A major tip when dealing with car matters is that no matter how busy you are it really helps if you can monitor your mechanic when carrying out repairs. That way you learn more about your car, you protect yourself from the fallouts of a shoddy job and you decrease the turnaround time. Significantly too you potentially cut the cost of repairs down by at least 30% as you get to join in the bargaining (pricing) of spare parts. Note: people will always try to game you if you allow them! Following through on this when it comes to registering or renewing your car particulars it’s best to ditch the Nigerian mentality of always aiming to cut corners. The official way is actually stress free and more economical!

Another tip is that modus operandi wise mechanics like doctors deal with difficult problems by using the same method of diagnosing via a process of elimination. The downside is that this can be costly and futile if the mechanic is inexperienced. You need to watch out for the countenance of a mechanic when at work. A bad workman quarrels with his tools and frowns a lot. A good craftsman on the other hand knows with much greater certainty what needs to be done and does so. Thus as a rule of thumb much older mechanics with years of experience are often better.

Lastly with all certainty I’ve come to realise that mobility is a necessity not an extravagance; it greatly enhances efficiency. The loss of mobility for me was tough to adjust to and bear and it adversely affected my self-esteem. Shout outs to all the commercial riders/drivers. Drive safe people; you might want to interpret this as drive slow and not by faith (hitting on 140 km/hr when you can’t be certain of the condition of the road a kilometre away) to avoid “speaking grammar”, throwing money down the drain and Inconveniencing yourself.

August 3rd 2009. My car when it just came through, courtesy the happy people of Intercontinental Bank and the good people of Mubi, Adamawa State.

June 20th 2010. Some days after the gift and the curse.

November 3rd 2010. Surgery commences.

December 14th 2010. Surgery in progress.

January 12th 2011. Surgery near completion.

Like many others I’m been a Lil Wayne fan; in my case since first hearing him many years back on “young n blues”. So while I had my playlist on shuffle/random some days back his “Mrs. Officer” song came up. Instantly being reminded of how much I love the track I subsequently chopped and screwed it for my cell phone ring tone. Banging out a 30 seconds piece predominantly featuring the “Rodney King baby, yeah i beat it like a Cop” line I particularly like. Being who I am, some research minutes later I was schooled on the “why can’t we all get along” line that had been hibernating in my mind for years now.

And so I ask why can’t my people in Jos fucking get along?! Why the insanity with the weekly vicious cycle of killings, burnings and assault? Mere mortals we all are, our skin colour is all the same so why allow our ethnic differences to divide us? More ridiculously why act on hate in the name of religion when most of us are only but Sunday Sunday/Friday Friday worshippers? Why allow religion to fuck with our minds to the extent we can’t think logically anymore?

Being in an election period and so extending this to our politicians why can’t they just fucking carry us along and stop being so self-centered? GamineGirlie wrote an article weeks back about how she thinks the energy expounded by concerned Nigerians primarily via social media networks on the need to take the voters registration dead serious is misplaced. Her argument is that everybody’s talking about voting but nobody’s talking about making sure we have credible candidates to vote in the first place. And she does have a point; made all the more obvious by politicians like Kwara state Governor Bukola Saraki.

The idea that Nigerian politics is devoid of ideals and is basically a “I chop you chop” system is demonstrated so vivaciously and most recently by his (Bukola Saraki) actions. Here was a man that only months ago appeared visionary and wanted to best the works of GEJ (Goodluck Ebele Jonathan) as President come May 2011. All of a sudden after changes in the power games of his party the PDP at national level and at the state level he’s swiftly humbled his ambition so much so that overnight he declared for, poached, contested and won a senatorial seat nomination. That my friend is a man who doesn’t give a fuck about your welfare but is merely seeking to maintain a steady flow of income for himself. Like the chameleon he’ll change his spots as many times as he has to; survival is after all the name of the game.

You want more examples to buttress the point? Gladly; Abubakar Olusola Saraki, who assumes he’s some sort of indispensable figure in Kwara state to the extent that all governors must breathe through him. His idea of kwara state progressing is having all leadership within his blood line. Another popular example is the God father of Amala politics the Late Lamidi Adedibu who believed the job of efficiently running a state was only possible after all parties had partaken in a meal of hot amala served from his kitchen funded solely from the state’s allocation. Other example include but are not restricted to Governor/Senator (either or both titles would do) George Akume, Ahmad Sani Yerima, Ahmed Makarfi and Chimaroke Nnamani. Nigeria we hail thee!