Banking, the ills: workaholicity and no time!

The “I say no time eh!” phrase by top Nigerian ragga artist Timaya best describes my condition in the in last four months, in which time I haven’t blogged (though “no inspiration eh” comes a distant second). Right now at 9.21 am it’s one of those precious weekends for me and as I type this on my generator-powered battery-weakened laptop in Makurdi I await the start of Nigeria’s game against Japan in the on going Olympic men’s football event. So what have I been up to all this while and what’s happened to the time? Here’s what.

I’ve since completed my bank’s ten week entry level training programme in Abuja and have been deployed to Makurdi branch in our North Central Region. Yes, my love affair with Benue State continues having served here (NYSC 2006/2007) and been back shortly afterwards for a short business venture.

Training school was fun no doubt but I also learnt a tremendous lot and had my mind opened to many new perspectives of life. Part of the gains of the training was being able to make my first ever visit to a prison…Kuje Prison Abuja to be precise. Banking being a profession based on trust, integrity is a necessary value and so the visit to the prison apart from its social responsibility import was to show us how low we could sink if we lost our integrity. The funny thing though is that Kuje Prison wasn’t at all like what I expected; it looked more like any well maintained Government boarding house secondary school in Abuja except that the inmates couldn’t leave the area…ever! There were the sober religious type, the ashamed from-a-comfortable-background type but most looked like the average Joe on the street type. Some buildings were recently painted, the compound was neat, there were a lot of new structures and the effect of charitable donations/support from the public/NGOs could be seen. Me thinks that being a population database poor, non safety and security conscious country an escape from the prison would be easy and have the least of consequences. Anyways I digress.

Back to the subject it feels good to be in banking. The opportunities it offers you are endless but the effize of the profession is too much; one could easily get carried away! One could also get “carried away” by the pressures of the job. The demands are heavy so to be on top of ish you’ve got to be sharp and proactively continuously learning. Worse still like I said at the beginning one’s time-crunched! We’ll survive though.

And survival starts with watching my first Dream Team 4 game at the Olympics in a short while. I almost can’t believe I missed their first match…an Eagle’s match!” Work sucks at time! I can believe though that the Abuja Stadium disappointed yet again spectator-wise at the Man U-Portsmouth game a fortnight ago. To the best of my knowledge the only time its stands ever filled up for a football match was The All African Games 2003 u-23 men’s final between Nigeria and Cameroun. As expected a large portion of the crowd got in for free and a much larger portion of the crowd of football lovers in the city just couldn’t be bothered. We shouldn’t loose hair or bothered too much to when ever Nigeria goes out of a football tournament. Football is an art not a science and even with the best of preparations one could still falter. Someone’s bound to loose…It ain’t gonna be me though. Ah game time! Excuse me while I do the needful. One!

I came back last week from a six day “working tour” of Mubi in Adamawa state and was only finally able to finish up Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s “Half of a yellow sun” on my journey back! In summary I think it’s a great book, with an A plus writing, entertainment and educative value. To me it was a mighty step up of Chimamanda’s craft from mid-level champ to big stage conqueror; much respect woman! The only side effect was that the book brought out the Biafran in me. But now that the novelty has since worn off I’m happy to reiterate that I’m proudly Nigerian.

While on the topic of “Half of a yellow sun” have you realized that It’s only “the marginalized” that vent and feel a bond to communalize…be closely knitted. I’m talking about my Igbo people (Igbo Town Development/Improvement Unions), the Blacks in America (pro black brotherhood this and that) and our Women (feminist and women empowerment movement) etc; intriguing…

My Mubi sojourn was my first visit up north/to the core north, and I’m happy to say the stereotype I was working with about the North being backward but yet still getting the better deal out of Nigeria has been countered to a large extent. We’re all smiling (the human spirit in them is alive) or suffering (the roads in and around Mubi are fucked, the poor live amongst them) when need be as Nigerians together. Though I admit they’re still generally silent in scheme of things like entertainment, media and ICT. The trip afforded me my first opportunity to attend an Islamic wedding. Some top shot got married to his fourth wife to fulfill all social status and identifying with the indigenes righteousness/obligations. Uhm, Intriguing…

By the way my birthday’s less than a week away. 17th, a quarter of a century Traeday thing. But it’s no biggie really; I’m saving the funfair until “the call or sms” comes through.

Alhamdulillah…All praise belongs to Allah…Thank you Allah.

The print version of Purple Hibiscus as available at Nu Metro Media store, Ceddi Plaza, Abuja

I recently got paid and so I decided that the right thing to do was to walk into the Nu Metro Media Store at Ceddi Plaza, Central Area Abuja for book and window shopping (the place reeks of affluence; it made me want to grab a gun and shout “stick em up!”). I finally settled with Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s “Purple Hibiscus”, her other book “Half of a yellow Sun” and Sefi Atta’s “Everything Good Will Come”. The 3 books have been ringing in my ears for months now as I‘ve been seeing the buzz about them everywhere I go in the Naija blogosphere.

I’ve just got through Purple Hibiscus and if you asked my opinion I’d say it’s a good book, but I’m somehow not so awed by it. You see to me a great work of art is art that knocks me off my feet that upon consumption I’m like “this is genius! How did the artist manage to do this?” But in the case of Purple Hibiscus I could relate with pretty much everything the author put into her book and I understand where she was coming from characterization wise, that in a good month with the right inspiration and guidance I could well have written the book myself.

She’s a simple crafting-superb product kind of writer, such that I didn’t have much cause to consult a dictionary while reading like I would have bothered with other novels. And she was very minimally descriptive in her writing; she just wanted the story to flow. The book is not exactly autobiographical but reading it I felt as one with all of her experiences she put into writing the book. Detailedly:

1) Via many years of being a read and write freak online I understood the consciousness she put into the characters Obiora, Aunt Ifeoma and Amaka (Although she made Obiora wise above his age. I think it’s very much the exception for kids to be capable of that level of consciousness at that age. Being highly pro-Nigeria I could relate with Amaka’s alternative musical taste and philosophical stance).
2) Having frequently visited my village over the past few years I was happy with her apt depiction of village life in Igbo land and I was impressed by her great love for her Igbo roots.
3) Having had my university education in Nsukka between the year 2000 and 2006 I very much felt at home with the novel.
4) Having witnessed military rule in my awakening teenage years I could very much identify with the plot of the novel.
5) I went to a seminary secondary school but now considering myself a very liberal Catholic I could very much identify with her religious views as painted in the novel.
6) In life I’ve known what it means to be rich, middle income earning and poor, so I understood the extremes painted in the novel.

I’m now off to read “Half of a yellow Sun” and “Everything Good Will Come”. I hope they’ll sooth away my annoyance with Chimamanda for allowing Kambili’s mum poison her dad.

Udeme Junior, Chris Rock, Bill Clinton, Eliot Spitzer…your average man

Like his father Udeme Junior (Jnr) was a great man, but unlike his dad it wasn’t flying planes and drinking Guinness stout that did it for him, it was sex. To him it was just as normal a pattern formed by drops of greatness as any other could be and as such once he was on he had to be on. Nothing in his thinking came close to an orgasm, not even Nigeria winning the FIFA World Cup beating England, Ghana and Brazil along the way.

When it came to sex he liked it the easy way; with prostitutes (a.k.a. ashewos, ashawos, ashis). A major pro for the addiction being the large variety of options available to choose from and its programmability. And so when he bothered to care he was always left bewildered how the monogamous oriented managed.

He relished the scoping (observatory) ritual before the pounce where he would check out the stats of the ashis with the term well-proportioned as the benchmark. Flirtatiousness, sassiness and willingness to engage in small personal talk also racked up points for a girl in his books but loud mouthedness was a definite no-no.

Another stat that had become important to Udeme Jnr was that majority of the ashis he came across were of Igbo origin. A finding similarly obtainable in a lot of other amateur demographical research he had done. Once again he was left bewildered, pondering the reliability of the census system.

But tribe aside he had discovered that for all ashis pleasure servicing was just as normal a job as any other like bus driving or journalism. And staying true as typical Nigerians he’d come to understand that most of them were unfit to hold on to their titles. The rare breed that loved and mastered the art were hard to come by but when you did find them they left you feeling fulfilled like Cyprian Ekwensi’s Jaguar Nana for they were masters of the bed whether in faking or not.

Sadly though there was no redemption for his buddies as everyone exploited and looked down on them. They had to pay all sorts of bills and take care of all sorts of minor to major expenses. No real friendships were formed as the only relationships they built, with marketers and randy men were never unconditional. Daily life for them was a vicious cycle of smoking, drinking, fucking, dancing and mouth running. That being not much of a surprise considering the fact that most of them were school drop outs. Of course there was always the option of the higher class better-learned prostitutes in bars and on the streets to choose from but somehow Udeme Jnr had found himself more of a brothel monger.

The brothels were often a long narrow row of small rooms with the goods being displayed in front illuminated by red lights. Entering one Udeme Jnr observed the usual: a small bed, a small window and feminine interior decorating. Depending on the worth of the ashi the room might have also boasted of a fan, radio or TV. Taking off his clothes the instruction by the ashi that he should hang them on the wall nailings embarrassed him but soon the rush of blood to his dick enveloped him as she expertly wore him a condom as dexterously as a blind village woman peeling egusi/melon seeds.

It was time for the business, missionary position front assumed she guided his dick to her lubricant filled vagina and Udeme Jnr was resolved to pump away having not being encouraged to breast suck or engage in meaningless foreplay. Reading her mind she probably didn’t have time to waste and would exploit any chance presented to her to get her money without rendering full services.

The deed being done she cleaned his dick up with some tissue, the touch of her hands on his privates teasing him in an uneasy way making him reminisce about the crazy girl with the foul smelling cunt he fucked last week who kept pushing him for more when he had just about had enough. While he dressed up clumsily She flinged the evidence into a small basket at the side of her bed and prepared to freshen up for the next client.

He paid and bade her a quiet farewell at the same time thinking of how generously he would have tipped her had the sex been better. The guilt feeling came upon him but he consoled himself with the words “it’s just sex” and a silent prayer to drop the habit and keep the STIs away.

What happens when you don’t plan well for your kids

The blogpost you’re about to read can be summarized into the following sentences: well-to-do families beget successful children, while underprivileged families beget unsuccessful children. The underprivileged children that are lucky enough to make it good are few while children from well-to-do backgrounds have all it takes to make it big hence keeping the status quo. In addition if a couple is struggling with life but want a better future for their offspring their best bet is to birth only the number they can adequately take care of. Read on though to get the full picture.

Family Planning as used in this post does not just mean making the decision to have children but also making in-depth arrangements on how you intend to raise them.

Drawing from what Al Pacino said in The Godfather Part III (Don Michael Corleone addressing a letter to his children): “the only wealth in this world is children; more than all the money, power on earth, you are my treasure”, what truly matters or gives happiness in life is enjoying the children you raised. If you choose not to have them like Jeremy Weate of naijablog it’s ok but if you choose to the least you can do is to be a good parent and raise them well.

If you know financially and emotionally you can only properly take care of 1, 2 or 3 children then by all means stick to that. Don’t birth a battalion of kids and then end up: sending them out to live with relatives, always complaining that there’s no money when requests are made, loosing sleep over how to pay their school fees, abandoning them after their tertiary education but expecting them to perform miracles and bring you the goods (parent of a doctor, lawyer, senator etc).

Why I’m hammering on this is because ideally it’s the right thing to do. You do it for your children and they in turn will do it for theirs. There you go: a pleasant cycle of happiness (as against the vicious cycle of poverty we see too much in Nigeria). Just the same way you plan to marry right in order to avoid having sickler kids or ugly children which could make you look bad is the same way you should plan to raise children who can achieve greatness in order to be adequately taking care of in your old age.

In the western world you hear about parents starting very early to save for their kids’ college/university education fund but in Nigeria too much of the time it’s the hand to mouth or live-one-day-at-a-time existence, condemning children to a hard frustrating life. The result is there for all to see: 22-26 year old Nigerian graduates still largely dependent on their parents while their mates abroad are very much independent, married and some with children of their own. And the fact of work being not so easy to come by as it is abroad compounding the whole problem.

That’s why at times I don’t blame the children of well-to-do families, the type we like to call ajebota. A few of their parents might have acquired their wealth dubiously but at least they’re able to give their children the kind of education and comfort with which ideally nothing can prevent them from reaching the pinnacle of their success. They go to the best schools, socialize best, go on tour during holidays and they actually live their life enjoying the money that works for them and their parents (not the other way around…think rich dad, poor dad).if they want to be entrepreneurial when they reach adulthood they’re sure of full financial support from their parents which plays a big factor in their success. Look at the young people of the recent Future Awards, 90% of them were able to blow because of their parent’s moral and financial support. Not the no-money-to-pay-school-fees, go-to-night-vigil-as-Jesus-is-the-answer story the children of the less privilege have to contend with. People like Asa, Dimeji Bankole, Denrele Soundcity are testament to the advantages of having strong parents. Those that make it from grass to grace, on their own with minimal efforts from their parents are actually very lucky as for every one of them that succeeds a thousand others fail. Examples of this kind are John Mikel Obi, Chinedu Ikedieze and Osita Iheme (Aki and Pawpaw), 2face Innocent Idibia, Agbani Darego etc. It’s actually kind of like the no-finance-no-romance creed.

Now for the wrap up I’ll have you know that I’m not parent bashing. I know what effort they put into our lives (not less what my parents did for me) and that life is a long process with changing situations that can mess up original plans. I’m just annoyed that too many parents get it wrong from the start. Capisco…capiche…capeesh?!

It was the Great Nigerian novelist Chukwuemeka Ike who over 15 years ago wrote the book “our children are coming!” about the generation gap war between the young and their middle class parents. Borrowing a leaf from him I’d like to say in this commentary that in contemporary times children/youths of my age are not just coming, they are running! They’re in one too many instances in too much of a hurry to fill up their parents’/the elders’ shoes.

Almost every day I hear talk by youths of the likes of: “our leaders have messed things up for us, we have to set things right”. Not bad per se, but coming from the young and the restless, people who are hardly good managers in small quantities, talk less of If they are entrusted with major figures it becomes saddening and one can’t help it but weep for the future of the nation. It’s almost like another case of the prodigal son being in too much of a hurry to get his entitlements/inheritance from his father. What follows are four points to ponder on the topic.

1) Why the rush? You get in early; become a leader at 37, 8 years later you’re done, what next?

2) The elders might have messed up here and there but believe you me they didn’t spend their 50 plus years on earth moping about like sitting ducks doing nothing. Wisdom in different quantities and spheres has surely being accumulated all the while and as such they’re more than capable reference points for the youths. As the saying goes “there are certain things that an elder can see sitting down that a young man can’t see even if standing up.

3) Older people tend to be better leaders because they are experienced. They’ve been there and done that; have got that understanding and therefore tend to be more rational in their thoughts, words and actions. Having been in all types of shoes before they’re better equipped to walk the legs, carry others along and best satisfy each person. Needless time that would have been wasted on familiarization is thus saved. look at it this way: at the time of your first crush/relationship at say 16 you probably felt you’ve found your soul mate and that you were ready for the world, but now that you’re in your mid-twenties you can’t help but confess that you didn’t know shit back then and then thank your lucky star that you didn’t become a teenage father.

4) We should be patient and wait for our turn. Youth agitation is sort of like the entry level worker scheming for his boss’ job thinking that with his 1st class degree he could surely do better than his boss who has a 2nd class lower degree and 10 years of work experience under his belt.

Don’t get me wrong though I’m all for youth empowerment, it’s just that I want it done with the right mind set.

Ignorant hot blooded Biafran youths ready for war. Our children are indeed running.

We would move towards a better understanding of human relations if we stopped waiting on God and instead saw him in our neighbours. Picture appears courtesy of scari-nigeria.blogspot.com; but don’t be deceived, what it signifies is not really in line with the thrust of this blog post.

In a way this is a follow up to Some Penmanshit on the concept of friendship written almost two years ago. I hope to help you towards a better understanding of human relations by letting you into my train/chain of thoughts.

1) There’s nothing like one’s permanent enemies/friends. In most cases our enemies/friends are determined by our interest of the day.

2) At each phase of life we associate only with people that help us achieve our dreams. We only keep very few friends/acquaintances through the different phases.

3) Points 1 and 2 are buttressed by the fact that life’s a continuous rat race where it’s basically “all man for himself and God for us all, whoever is slow may the Devil take him”.

4) As situations in our life change (example: job change, house relocation) so do our friends. Old ones that we may never relate with again are discarded for new ones.

5) Point 4 is more clearly understood if we realize this sad irony of life: When we (you or I) celebrate our birthday in 10 years time our circle of friends then will most definitely be significantly different from the ones we have now.

6) More money equals more friends and vice versa. That’s because with more money there are more people to deal with in relation to the increased money outlets. Friendship is basically the selfish act of sticking with people for what we can get out of them (example; sex, food, fame, companionship to prevent loneliness etc).

7) Examples of situation 6 can be seen in actors, musician and footballers. They continuously come and go (rave of the moment ish), in between having their 20 seconds of fame.

8)) The 20 seconds of fame phenomenon in point 7 is illustrated by this line:

“Yo you in platinum, yeah that’s nice/now let me see you do the same thing twice/”

Nas in (in Kanye West’s “Air Force Ones’ Classic Nike remix”. Also featuring KRS-One and Rakim)

9) In relation to point 7 great men/women are those who stay relevant in the scheme of things for a long time. But this is not always true as the fact that some people are no more in the scheme of things doesn’t mean they’ve lost their greatness. It might just be that the nature of their new hustle doesn’t command front page headlines.

Voicing communications, crazy phrase innit? Anyway it’s used here to mean speech patterns as applied to the transfer of information from one person to another/other persons.

For this talk the first port of call is the news rooms. I’ve observed that the news casting voice…intonation…accent…pronunciation…or more particularly “stress on words” of our broadcasters (mainly from private stations; Channels Television being a chief example) sound so foreign. At times it’s often as if one’s listening to the BBC or CNN. What I want to know then is if it’s an industry standard or if it’s just another act in our endless imitation of the West. It worries me the more because on the other hand I listen to NTA and Radio Nigeria broadcasters and they do none of that yet they speak clearly in very good English. It’s a pity I can’t yet put up sound clips to drive home my point.

Cool FM Abuja’s broadcaster Benny Arc (I’m thinking his full name is Benjamin/Benedict Archibong) is the scapegoat at our second port of call. On air the brother is so loud…animated in an “uncool” sort of way. He practically hypes every word! I might not be a pro but one thing I’ve learnt about broadcasting is that on air it’s best to assume that you’re talking to just one person and not to a multitude. That way you’d sound more pleasing to the ears, confident and you’d have that personal touch about you. The personal touch is really great as it gets to and captivates the listener, making him/her feel like you’re there with him/her having a one on one conversation. If Cool FM’s on air personalities were on a reality show Benny would undoubtedly be the first housemate to be evicted. Enough said.

Ahide a Cool FM broadcaster posing with Bola.

At this last port of call I’m leaving you with these words of Toshmann. I came across them while snooping through the Nigerian Village Square. Reading it made me bury my head in shame because I realized I’ve been guilty more than a few times. I guess it’s a call to change

…our people seem to be proud to say “I can’t speak Igbo, but I understand a little bit”. What nonsense! this is something that one should be ashamed to say, yet people say it with pride as if those who speak the language well are “igbotic” and being “igbotic” is a bad thing…this is sad.

It’s almost been a month since I ditched my khaki and stepped into the free world, and if you asked me “nwokem ke kwanu?” I’d tell you “nna/nne…I just dey”.

Listening to RayPower Abuja 100.5 FM’s “Political Platform” at 9.15am on weekdays is one of the ways that have helped me keep my sanity. It’s a program which aims to wrap up the political news of the day in just 15 minute. And the presenters: Ehiedu Aniagwu, Mustafa Mohammed, Amaechi Anakwe and Okhiria Agbonsuremi are surely doing a good job at that. Quite similar to what their colleague Gbenga Arulegba does on AIT Abuja’s “Focus Nigeria” from 9-10am on weekdays. One thing though is that in the heat of the analysis the presenters at times take things too personal and display unprofessionalism. But who can blame them, since on the other hand NTA chose to be unobjective during the famous third term craze and to some extent in this year’s general elections. Another thing I’ve realized about the show is that the same magnitude with which they hate Obasanjo is the same magnitude with which they respect Yar’dua (well that’s quite common on a lot of fronts). Anyway the popularity of the show is evidence of the fact that the respect of people’s right to free speech is to a large extent well alive in Nigeria.

If RayPower helps me with my sanity the FRSC makes me loose it. I just got my (renewed) driving license after over two months of stress. And that’s because I chose not to cut corners but follow due process. Damn I hate guys in uniform; inefficiency is their middle name in Nigeria! Fuck that though as I should be on to better things this evening. I just got my invitation card to the BBC world Service Trust sponsored “Wetin Dey?” Da Mix show at the Sheraton Hotel. It should be some great entertainment as Modenine, Terry Tha Rapman, Weird MC, MI (of the crowd mentality fame) amongst others are on the bill. Shamefully I haven’t attended too many shows in the FCT so I’m really looking forward to this.

Quick observation; is it not hypocritical that we celebrate when Nigerians are making waves abroad with their businesses but suddenly feel threatened or that there’s cause for alarm when foreigners come here and rake in huge profits with their own businesses. Anyway this seems to be true for all nations; it’s a greedy world isn’t it?

This was the scene after one of our goals in our first match against France in the soon to end FIFA Under-17 WorldCup. They seem to be doing some traditional dance steps. See as the assistant referee come dey bad eye dem. Abeg just bring home the cup jare, no do like dem Femi Opabunmi of the 2001 Under-17 and dem Mikel Obi of the 2005 under-20 who went all the way only to loose at the finals.

Fellow Nigerians as is expected everybody and their blog alter ego has a take on current situations in the nation. Well not to be outdone here’s my own, only that it’s in a “no long thing” format. Cheers.

Naira Redenomination policy
My verdict: not a bad policy. A lot of the people against it just haven’t fully understood or read up on the implications. But Soludo does deserve some heavy knocks for not thinking of it earlier and allowing millions to be wasted on the now needless new coins and notes, plus millions more that are yet to be wasted on further reprinting and mass-enlightenment. The only part I hate is the coins reintroduction; I don’t think we’ll ever get used to that again.

South South security situation
Like some other people thinking about this just makes me go “oh dear”. The Niger Delta might be getting the raw deal off their oil but violence is never the way to go about solving problems. All the cultist and militants are frauds; they’re all in it for the money. The police and military should for once wake up to their core duty of protecting life and property and deal with situation effectively.

Profligacy and embezzlement of national wealth by leaders
The House of Reps case being the latest example of this phenomenon. Blame this on our “chop-and-quench-tomorrow-fit-no-dey” psyche. It’s a shame we’ve gone so selfish misusing vast amounts of wealth not knowing that these same amounts can do wonders for local infrastructural community development or as grants to the less privileged. 8,500 Naira might be chicken change to a few people but for a lot of others particularly youth corpers it’s often been a life saver.

Lagos indecent dressing and Covenant University brouhaha
I know that in liberalized societies like the US and UK there is the tendency for the family system to be fucked up. But even worse things happen in the so called socialist, value-respecting societies. The fact is that democracy and its inherent freedom is the best way ever for society to live by. We’re all mortals and equals; no man has the right to forcefully impose his will or standards on others. We should chill with all the religious and moral hypocrisy and allow people to indulge as they like. It’s a free world, it’s their life and the consequences are theirs to bear alone.

Reduced English Premier League broadcast
I couldn’t care less about this. We’re already too obsessed with that league for our own good. Hopefully this will afford people the chance to now get a life. And instead when we keep it football it’ll now be by watching the Under-17 and Under-21 male teams, they seem to be doing well these days. And there’s even added joy with the Super Eagles; Berti Vogts has been getting us the friendlies on a regular basis! Although our joy would be complete if the games were transmitted live.

Uche Nworah-Binyavanga irony mix-up
We all have what we’re extremely passionate about and will defend till death, in Uche’s case it’s his beloved Ndigbo. It’s just that he took it overboard. No one’s perfect we all err; so everyone who’s been on his case is better off giving him a break. They should note that an advice given harshly often defeats its aim as it ends up upsetting its’ target instead of correcting it.

I’ve never watched as much movies as I’ve done in the past one month, (no) thanks to pirated DVDs from China that are now flooding the Nigerian market. Anyways it’s great stuff: very cheap top quality films to watch at will with little hassles!