A-July 15th 2012. Driving a Mitsubishi L200 pick-up truck I survived a head on collision road accident with an empty tank truck. The fallouts were a comminuted fracture in the mid segment of my right femur (thigh bone), a transverse fracture around my left ulna (left wrist) and sixth nerve palsy in my left eye.

B-July 19th 2012. Had surgeries for my fractures. Intramedullary rod inserted into the femur and external fixation done for the wrist.

C-August 2nd 2012. External fixation removed from the wrist and replaced with orthopedic cast (plaster of paris cast…POP).

D-August 6th 2012. Discharged from the hospital in a wheel chair as my left wrist was too weak to use crutches.

E-September 10th 2012. Orthopedic cast (POP) removed.

F-September 17th 2012. CT scan of the head done and first appointment with an Ophthalmologist. Siddon look approach adopted for the eye.

G-September 19th 2012. Started noticing greater flexibility in my left wrist. I.e.: started feeling like I had two hands again.

H-October 19th 2012. Dumped the wheelchair and started using crutches. Injured right leg suspended and hopping on the good left leg.

I-October 21st 2012. Confirmed the sixth nerve palsy 95% gone and vision almost back to normal.

J-November 17th 2012. Stopped hopping on crutches and started partial weight bearing on my right foot.

K-December 7th 2012. 3 days post first physiotherapy session. Started using only a single crutch.

L-December 14th 2012. Dropped crutches all together and started walking unaided; though limping.

I now hope to stop limping in the coming weeks as the muscles in the right leg strengthen. So a time cap would be that recovery took six months. But complete recovery with running and a return to full physical fitness post the accident usually takes anywhere between 12 to 18 months. Insha Allah 2013 is definitely the year for me though. Peace and be inspired!

December 9th 2012. Feeling on the sexy steering; first test drive since my accident.

Update:
M-January 6th 2013. Right leg started feeling normal again, limping drastically reduced and mobility almost as before.

Upon finally securing release from an extended stay at UNN I was posted to Benue State to serve my country for the duration of a year starting from September 2006 till August 2007.

Camp at the Government Secondary School Gboko (…or was it Government Girls?) as I’ve said so many times before was all fun. I like to consider it one of the best three weeks of my entire life. Melting pot of culture, meeting people from all over the nation and all what not.

When the magic of camp ended I was posted to Ukum Local Government Area to teach, at a newly established catholic boys secondary school called Holy Ghost College Sankara. The school was a humble setup, though impressive and promising. It was founded by a returnee reverend father. I think I was carefully selected to be posted there being that I was catholic (funny thing is that I consider myself agnostic these days), along with a quiet Port Harcourt chick called Kome.

I initially looked forward to the experience but on learning that there was no GSM network coverage yet at Sankara (as at then) and that our accommodation was piss poor and far off from the school premises and from most other corps members serving in the local government area I contrived to get myself rejected and moved down to Zaki-Biam (the main town in Ukum LGA) to see what I could do with myself for the next 11 or so months.

The proprietor of the school wasn’t happy at all and reported me to the NYSC office at Makurdi. After a summoning there and some motherly advice from the NYSC official in charge I returned back to Holy Ghost College Sankara.

The high point of my stay working at Holy Ghost College was an excursion with the boys to different places in Benue. We visited a farm run by an Irish or so reverend father who had lived in Nigeria for over two decades, we also visited the state run radio station at Makurdi. And it was great seeing the excitement in the boys’ eyes most of whom had never set foot outside Ukum LGA. But sadly as the young and heady days of Trae often went I fell out with the proprietor over salary issues as he didn’t want to pay up all that was due. I couldn’t care less and moved back to Zaki-Biam with all pleasure to stay with my guys there.

Sankara was a bordering town to Taraba State, Wukari Local Government Area in particular. Wukari being much more developed than Ukum and nearer than Makurdi I planned a visit there with Kome for sightseeing purposes and to be able to browse the internet. Yes, those were the days cyber cafes held sway before the profligation of 3G services.

I still won’t ever forget calling my mum (or was it she calling me?) at the Zaki-Biam market right after we came back from our Wukari trip. It was about 2 weeks or so to Christmas and it was fun speaking to her and prepping up for the holidays. That was the last I was to ever hear from her as she died on the 15th of December. It was a car accident very similar to the one I survived four months back. She was going to Gwagwalada in Abuja and had a head on collision with a tanker near Giri. I got out of mine with fractures and a temporal dysfunction to my eye…but she never made hers. Rest in peace ma; love you forever!

The burial followed in the East in January. After that the rest of my service year was basically on-site ghosting and community development work. I found myself on the road a lot and visited Abakaliki in Ebonyi state to see a dear friend. I also hanged back in Abuja for a while cutting my teeth in the job search game.

Still I was in love with Benue and came back where I immersed myself studying for the NIM exams with Chimezie, making all night calls to my phone buddy Bendra and generally having fun with the guys.

The POP passing out parade was fixed for august and we all said good bye to Ukum LGA and relocated to Makurdi. The final days left a tear in my eye, after collecting my discharge certificate I couldn’t but hug all my close buddies wishing them well in the future as we didn’t know if we’d ever see each other again.

On the night of my discharge I hung out with my man Kelechi; our then senior corper as he was privileged to serve and be retained by Ecobank. I also drank my first full bottle of Star that night and got slightly tipsy. Yes I was a good boy like that.

The closure part is that someday in my lifetime I want to return to Holy Ghost College Sankara, see what it has become and make amends, putting in back my 2 cents in cash or kind. Jah bless everyone!

Parade ground posing with Miss NYSC and Osowo

With Dupe, Bukky and the Covenant University crowd at Mammy market

Beautiful people. With Ngozi and Michael

Niggies! Osowo, Dude, Candid and I

Endurance trek movement with Osowo

Loving the NYSC flag at Mount Mkar #EnduranceTrek

Chilling with the guys after CDS. Trae, Abayomi, Chimezie, Oteiku

POP day, with my orientation camp crush Abiola

POP day, Ukum LGA guys with our ZI

POP day, posing with the Covenant University and friends crowd

So my man ODC (aka CJ Stevens) from back in my rhyme slinging days in the university had been on my case about this new artist he’s now managing called Suranu. I’d heard…in fact still have on my laptop a track he’d done with the dude before and in my present recovery mode…not going anywhere fast I downloaded the album and gave it a listen.

It’s a mixtape, the second in 3 years by Suranu, who this time is being motivated by Erving Ejango, his alter ego. No doubt about it the kid can rhyme flawlessly. And with a tight supporting cast of managers and producers the Life + Times Of Ervin Ejango is a decent effort. A brief bio on Suranu can be found “here”.

Favourite tracks: From the mixtape the tracks “Charlie What Da Happen” featuring Maytronomy and Jesse Jagz and “Oversabi Girls” are being heavily promoted. But personally the tracks suiting my taste which are all round complete and are constantly on repeat on my present playlist are “Here We Go Again” featuring Charlie X, “Not Good Enough” featuring or sampling Ellie Goulding’s cover of a song called “Heartbeats” and “Angels” featuring or sampling Lissie’s “Everywhere I Go”.

“Here We Go Again” is a tight jam reflecting on a painful break up and promising to turn a new leaf to restart a relationship. With an excellent chorus Charlie X co-stars to murder the beat. “Angels” literally takes you to heaven and back in a hip hop Adele-like chant chariot, while “Not Good Enough” acknowledges one’s inadequacies but resolve to strive on a soft rock meets hip hop background.

Rating: My rating for the album on a scale of 5 is 3.5

Album Details

Original Release Date: October 2012

Genres: Hip hop

Production: Charles “Charlie X” Ita, Emmanuel “Ekelly” Nwosu and Makan “Sizzle Pro” King David

Track list:
1. Intro
2. Here We Go Again ft. Charlie X
3. Still I Raise ft. Maya Angelou
4. Misunderstood
5. No Solution by Yemi Alade
6. Unconsolable ft. Zee
7. Oversabi Girls
8. Love Me x 3 [Tiwa Savage Cover] by Danny Gomez
9. Awa Ni ft. Minus2
10. Innocent
11. Catharsis
12. Going Down ft. Charlie X
13. Not Good Enough ft. Elli Goulding
14. Zambuluwai ft. Rexx
15. State Of Mind
16. Raw ft. Butta
17. Time ft. ODC, Mr Hudson
18. Little Brother
19. Push ft. Rexx, Sean Stan
20. Angels ft. Lissie
21. Charlie What Da Happen ft. Maytronomy, Jesse Jagz

Links: Download the full album here: http://www.hulkshare.com/bcdswswxmk8w

Sample:

Listen to “Here We Go Again” featuring Charlie X

Listen to “Not Good Enough” featuring Ellie Goulding

Listen to “Angels” featuring Lissie

Gennaro Gattuso had been experiencing vision problems in early September 2011, a few days before the season kicked off. On 9 September 2011, Gattuso clashed with team-mate Alessandro Nesta whilst playing against Lazio in AC Milan’s opening Serie A game of the 2011-12 season. He was substituted off directly afterwards (in the 20th minute) and diagnosed with paralysis of the sixth cranial nerve, resulting in diplopia in Gattuso’s left eye. He later revealed that he had seen team-mate Zlatan Ibrahimovic in four different positions during the opening stages of the match, and was unable to see Nesta, resulting in the pair’s clash. The condition kept him out of most of the 2011/2012 season but he has since gone on (June 2012 precisely) to agree a two-year deal with Swiss side FC Sion.

Sixth nerve palsy, or abducens nerve palsy, is a disorder associated with dysfunction of cranial nerve VI (the abducens nerve). It’s a weakness of the sixth nerve, the nerve that innervates the lateral rectus muscle that pulls the eye away from the nose. When this nerve is weak, the eye turns inward toward the nose (esotropia) and can’t look outwards towards the ears; it may turn inward when people look straight ahead. Double vision (diplopia) is the most common symptom, producing a side-by-side image with both eyes open. Such people usually engage in head-turns to maintain binocularity and binocular fusion and to minimize diplopia.

Multiple events can cause sixth nerve palsy; head trauma being one of such events. The amount of resolution of 6th cranial nerve palsy primarily depends on the cause. Most cases improve within three months after onset and many resolve by six months. Temporary solutions might include an eye patch or use of prism eyeglasses. After observation for improvement (usually six months) surgery can be performed to maximize eye alignment.

Yes friends apart from multiple fractures this is what I had to deal with in my left eye following my motor accident of 15th July 2012. Take a look at the picture below taken on August 6th the day I was discharged from the hospital to see what I mean.

I was taken to Lagos for a checkup about a month ago and my consultations with the doctor confirmed most of the stuff I’d already researched online. I was told I should be good in 6 months or less. And now three months down the line from July 15th I’m happy to announce that in my estimations I’m about 90% done with the disorder.

Yes as I like to say I’m a lucky bastard; all the fallouts of my accident were non devastating. More so in my case my employers were supportive and put me on sick leave, so I spent my time rejuvenating and waiting on my fractures to heal. Thus preventing me from running mad as you might do if sixth nerve palsy besets you while you’re in perfectly good health and in the course of accomplishing your dreams. Yes I didn’t run mad, I handled it like it was one of Tom’s Scavo numerous fads on Desperate Housewives that was bound to go someday.

I’m just grateful to God for this day. All the time I’d have to close my left eye so I could read stuff properly on my laptop screen or generally when I wanted to focus. Or all those times I couldn’t look people properly in the face when talking to them as the nasty double vision was taking its’ toll. Or sitting in the car being taking across town to the hospital and everywhere looking crazy in double vision…two by twos. You don’t know what you have until it’s gone. I’m glad to be getting back to my eagle eye excellent vision. Ain’t never use glasses and ain’t never will. Oluwa is fully involved!

I made this post on Facebook today:

“So about two months back some chick I used to know threatened me that if I didn’t give my life to Christ that the bad luck of my losing my first banking job and been involved in a car accident would continue. I cut off and unfriended the dumb bitch right away. And now recently some chick I’ve become good friends with in the past four years judges me that I’m a bad person and ungrateful to God for surviving my accident because I don’t speak in tongues, read the bible, attend night vigils and pay tithes. As if that’s the only measure of a good person. Abeg beam me up Scotty, there’s no intelligent life down here!”

And one of the comments in reply read in quote: “I guess the part that gets me is the constantly implied drivel that somehow being agnostic correlates with increased level of intelligence”.

I think I should give instances why agnostics reason better and are generally more intelligent than people who steadfastly affirm to a religion. It’s for you to read the examples and put two and two together. So here goes.

1) If I put a bowl in front of your door at night with such items like an egg, a white feather, a white cloth, sprinkled blood, a chicken head and a bead, nine out of ten people wouldn’t use that exit in the morning. They’d call some sort of pastor or priest which would indirectly cost them at least a thousand Naira; who would pray for at least 5 minutes, sprinkle holy water around and set fire to the bowl. All this taking at least an hour and distracting you from the job of the day. An agnostic would throw the bowl in the dustbin and immediately be off to work.

2) When the infamous slapping by David Oyedepo of a girl who claimed to be a winch for Jesus came to the fore nine out of ten people defended him. In accordance to the “do you know who I am” creed they opined she was evil and came to disrespect and tempt the Bishop. Very few saw it as child abuse…battery, and as an instance of a mentally disturbed girl who found herself in the wrong place at the wrong time.

3) Work real hard, have lots of skill and some luck and meteorically find yourself in the limelight as a music star. Don’t kill anyone, don’t steal, don’t cheat, don’t commit any crime against humanity just be popular. And you can be rest assured that somewhere in Ajegunle in the slums, two boys over a bottle of beer…or in Victoria Island, two ladies while fixing their hair attachments in the salon are bantering over the conspiracy theory that you’re a member of the Illuminati Cult. Their discussion will not change the price of garri in the market but they’ll argue and deride you all the same.

4) When I was in the university in my third year one of my roommates and his twin brother were Seventh Day Adventists in their first year studying medicine. During exam time one of their papers; a core course was rescheduled for Saturday. They never did write that paper preferring instead to worship at church. Subsequently down the years they had academic problems. Their status as medical students was not tenable and they never did graduate as Doctors. Stuff along similar lines is still happening today in Nigeria.

5) When adults my age were kids…and I’m sure even till date, if you grew up in a Christian home and had Muslims as neighbours you were never allowed to eat the meat given to you as gifts during Sallah celebrations. Such meat always ended up in the dustbin. The only consolation being offered by parents being that God forbids you contaminate yourself with food offered to foreign gods. Yes, Nigeria was a green land and food was never our problem.

6) Islam is the dominant religion of Northern Nigeria. And one day should an unidentified person use a torn page from the Quran to wipe his bum after defecating be rest assured that the religious clerics there will easily mobilize more than five million devotees to wreck havoc on all Igbo traders within reach. Yes Allahu Akbar, God is great. And suicide bombings and killings against Americans while exclaiming Allahu Akbar is a manifestation of such greatness.

7) Islam is for the pious. Dutifully all women should compulsory wear the hijab and if possible cover their whole body in black cloth. Men are weak spirited and should not be tempted. A woman’s body is the sole property of her husband and should be kept so. Men on the other hand were created in God’s own image and likeness and should enjoy the sunlight and be proud to display their bodies in various attire as a tribute to the Most High who created them.

8) Allahu Akbar; God is great and we must raise our young ones to know so. Our young boys should be sent away to indoctrinate this religious education into them at a tender age in informal Almajiri institutions. They should roam the street and beg to imbibe the culture of meekness. Forget that it breeds poverty and illiteracy as other skills are not imparted into the kids, at least they can always live a righteous life as sugar cane sellers, security men, bread and tea kiosk owners or manicure and pedicure experts.

9) Finally a look at the world map shows Nigeria is at the center of the world. Yes we are God’s own nation and as such our Government should continue to lavish billions of Nairas each year sponsoring Hajjs to Mecca and Pilgrimages to Jerusalem. Forget that there is no direct or indirect benefit of such expeditions on our GDP or standard of living; we must just continue to do it. As Femi Fani-Kayode, then Special Assistant to President Olusegun Obasanjo often said when rebuking Wole Soyinka and Chinua Achebe “we are not ashamed of that fact that we are a nation of believers…we believe that God rules in the affairs of men”. Yes what distinguishes us from other people is that we are a praying nation, little wonder we’re recognized as the most religious and happiest nation in the world. How wonderful!

Update: I think my line of argument in this post was misunderstood. I was not saying that being outstanding intellectually is directly proportional to being atheist/agnostic. I was saying you stand a higher chance of success at tackling many problems of the world if you approached it from the agnostic front…the rational front. Hence my listing 9 typical everyday challenges.

To get this done I had to have the following:
1) A laptop/desktop computer running Windows 7 and installed with Microsoft Outlook and Nokia Suite (Ovi PC Suite).
2) A USB cable (handset to laptop)
3) Internet access for handset and PC.

Step 1: I exported my contacts from Microsoft Outlook where I previously used to store them to my alternative Gmail account (Google Contacts). I used my alternative email address as the naming conventions I use on phone are different from what I use on email and I wanted to keep them so. I exported and imported in CSV format (Comma Separated value).

Step 2: Syncing my Google Contacts to the Android was way easy. By far easier than Reuben Abati writing a press release to condemn a recent bomb attack. For the uninformed Google develops Gmail and Android, that’s why it so seamless. Yes your Android device must be online to sync.

Step 3: Syncing my Google Contacts to the Nokia on the other hand wasn’t that straight forward. First of all I exported the contacts from Gmail and then imported them into Windows Contacts, all in CSV format. I then connected the Nokia to the laptop via the USB cable and using Nokia Suite I synced (having set the Nokia Suite to sync with Windows Contacts). Considering how somewhat cumbersome this is I’ll probably only occasionally update my sync; weekly perhaps. As much as I tried to find an auto alternative I couldn’t so I had to settle for this.

And there you have it, the Job’s done! I’m backed up for life as I’ll “always” have stuff online and will never lose all my contacts even if I lose my phone. Yes I can’t ever be caught saying that Nigerian cliche: “friends please resend me your contacts I lost my phone”. It’s that easy, it’s that great! Whenever I want to edit my contacts I simply do so on Google Contacts and follow up either way with the step for the Android or the step for the Nokia.

For my BlackBerry people you can use your BlackBerry Desktop Software/Manager to sync your phone with Windows contacts or Microsoft Outlook. I’m sure you know the rest. Cheers.

Update: I was finally able to get the Nokia E6 to sync with Google Contacts by creating a new mailbox of type Exchange ActiveSync (It’s the replacement for Mail for Exchange).

Email: myemail@gmail.com
Username: myemail@gmail.com
Password: my password
Domain: I left it blank
Server: m.google.com

It’s a very close reminder of my own situation. Yes, If you could feel how my face felt, you would know how Mase felt/Thank God I ain’t too cool for the safe belt/. All other things could be equal…pari passu but having someone to love, spend time with and clean up after you is such a big part of a successful recovery. Great relationships are not a bed of roses, no one knows tomorrow, but even if shit happens, I really do cherish and will continue to cherish this moment. I’m in a safe place right now. Yes, she was with me before the deal, she’s been trying to be mine/she a Delta so she been throwing that Dynasty sign/.

Luckiest man on earth with the loveliest gem to be unearth. 30.09.12.

Kanye West’s debut album “The College Dropout” is one of my all time favourite rap albums. And now more than ever before Kanye’s life inspires me. “Through the wire” being key. I can see a bit of my life in some of him. From dropping out of school, being a struggling producer, surviving a bad car crash, getting signed to a major label and staying relevant for almost a decade in the rap scene; that’s history right there. Yes, this was just a small post dedicated to her…The best I’ve ever had. That’s all folks.

Kanye West in “never let me down” featuring Jay-Z from the album “The College Dropout”

My accidented truck

In the light of satirical writer Elnathan John’s latest piece “How to survive a road accident” (available here) I decided to work up my injured wrist, summon whatever little writing skill I had left and pen this…or is it type this. This part of the essay particularly inspired me: “This is how to survive a road accident in Nigeria: Pray. Pray that someone with quick thinking and hospital contacts runs into you. Do not expect the police to know what to do. Do not expect emergency services. Just pray.”

Some four years back living the fresh graduate dream of working as a banker I would probably agree with you that I was in a tasking profession and that finding time to do anything on this job was a miracle and as such Friday nights and weekends were heaven. But two months back, July 14th 2012 to be precise I would probably tell you that working in sales in FMCG was second only to sitting in GEJ’s hot seat as commander in chief. I was up late into the night, continuing early the next morning finishing a report whose submission deadline had just expired. I slept at Ade’s for company and to take advantage of his stand by generator. The next morning Sunday the 15th I loaded up my MP3 player with songs to help me get by the long journey, dashed home to get some gear and hit the road for a 5 hour trip (to and fro though). The company was about to launch the redesigned Star bottle and we had to redistribute the old Star stocked in a warehouse in a neighbouring town to ensure quick depletion before the planned new launch. With my boss and 2 colleagues of mine we were to drive in a convoy, but sensing they weren’t yet ready I passed by our meet up spot and hit the road early so I could make it back by midday to do other stuff.

And that was all I remembered. Word was that 45 minutes into my journey I had a head on collision with an empty fuel tanker. Being the careful driver I’ve always been I’m still stunned as to how that ever happened. The good or great thing though is that like Elnathan advised the lines fell unto me in pleasant places. After I left Boss and my colleagues followed me up shortly. At my accident scene the typical Naija crowd was forming with shouts of “mo gbe” and all what not but no one really doing anything. Boss soon caught up with me, dialed his hospital contacts prepping them for my arrival, lifted me up into his passenger seat with me clutching my broken wrist and sped the 45 minutes or so journey back to Ilorin.

Two months later, many plates of food from Boss wife after, and visits, love and care from family and friends I’m sitting at home. Luckily having to contend only with a fracture at the left wrist and right femur, and six nerve palsy in my left eye. How I survived it all I don’t know, I’m God’s son. But working for a great company, generous enough to put me on 4 months sick leave, expend on me and transport me to Lagos for a checkup is definitely a saving grace. To top it all up like Lisa’s Dad exclaimed in “Coming to America” I really did do it this time; I hit the jackpot. I couldn’t have come thus far without my girlfriend AyoB catering to me all the way. Always knew she was the complete package right from the start but if I ever did need any confirmation I’ve gotten it. My Chukwuemeka Ike Toads for Supper inter-tribal dreams are coming true. And so now you know the answer to the question “who do I want to spend the rest of my life with”.

While most parts of the world are making great strides towards the enshrinement of workers’ rights vis-à-vis maintaining a healthy and motivated labour force there are still those companies in modern day Nigeria who embarrassingly refuse to grow up out of the dark ages. A prime example is Team Morale Ltd, a service provider for Hello Nigeria.

Rumour has it that Team Morale Ltd managed by Doctor Pep Talker, a two term Chairman of the Committee of Approved Nigerian Telecoms Operatives is fronting for top heads at Hello Nigeria such that he was able to successfully get the outsourcing contract from Hello Nigeria for its’ Online Call Centre in Jang which has now become its’ biggest such unit in Nigeria surpassing other such units in Eko, KD and Kan Aminu.

Investigations reveal that the condition of its’ staff at The Jang Call Centre can best be described as modern day slavery. Or what else do you describe a situation in which after almost a year of operation staff there do the same work with the same targets as their counterparts in Eko, KD and Kan Aminu yet earn one third their salary and don’t even have the privilege of owning staff lines.

Hello Nigeria’s Jang workers are the most poorly motivated Call Center Representatives you’ll ever find in any Nigerian telecoms firm. A look at the behaviour of Team Morale Ltd’s HR right from the recruitment stage will show the total disregard Hello Nigeria-Team Morale Ltd has for its staff. Hundreds of youths were deceived to leave behind better paying jobs and bare the risk of relocating to a volatile Jang in the hope of better work conditions with Hello Nigeria, one of Nigeria’s top GSM networks only to be hit with an inhuman offer of employment letter whose take home pay can’t even get them home on a regular monthly basis.

The end result of this is that Hello Nigeria’s Jang Call Center Representatives occasionally lose it, transferring their aggression on to their customers in a display of appalling customer service.

That Hello Nigeria-Team Morale Ltd management can be very high handed is an understatement. Unfriendly policy decisions such as maternity leave with any form of pay and hoarding of Information especially as regards staff welfare is the order of the day, consequently with life at the Call Center resembling the dark days of military rule in Nigeria.

Staff are regularly punished with no form of appeal and sacked with impunity as evident in the layoff of no less than 30 workers since January 2011 for flimsy reasons such as merely offering positive suggestions which go against the managements ideal of how to move the company forward.

The rot in Hello Nigeria-Team Morale Ltd is exemplified in that it’s Jang Call Center Operations Manager an expatriate, whose contribution to productivity is questionable has since December of 2010 being taking up residence in an hotel room whose bills for a day is enough to pay a month’s salary of the lowest of its Call Center Agent.

Staff role appointment is also to a large extent devoid of merit with the ranks being manned by many management yes boy and girls. With an ingenious divide and rule remuneration policy set up to reward such yes boys and girls on a monthly basis.

Rounding of this expose on a light note, with a population of over 900 and counting, a common Jang beer parlour gist is that Hello Nigeria-Team Morale Ltd spinsters are the cheapest in town, easier than University of Jang female undergraduates as being eager for marriage to lift them out of their pitiable situation they have set their standards so low.

In conclusion all evidence points to the fact that a Sanusi Lamido like banking system cleansing would be welcomed in Hello Nigeria-Team Morale Ltd.

So you’ve heard and read it all: the execution of Troy Davies in Georgia USA, The release by Iran of the US spies/hikers and the arrest of the British-Ghanaian banker Kweku Adoboli plus tons others. In all the common denominator I’m interested in at the moment is detention as a result of an alleged crime. What are some of the tips you’re better off knowing as a Nigerian male who’s expected to be a man in all situations, and if by chance you find yourself locked down how do you cope.

1) The first rule of being a Master Mind is to not get caught, yes as incompetent as the Nigerian security agencies are you still need to cover your tracks. The odds are stacked against you though cos in most cases somehow somehow fowl nyash dey open, but the smart will know how to lay low after a hit with making it in the long run in mind. But truth be told despite the thrill of a misdemeanor, and in a lot of cases trying to prove a point because you’re aggrieved ultimately there’s nothing as good as having peace of mind. The benefits of going legit cannot be overstated; your people need you and you can’t afford to let them down. Like Osaze, Enyeama and MySpace.com you’re not indispensable and people tend to forget you when you go down. But form is temporal and class is permanent; try to be spotless and excel in your own field so that when your name is mentioned people remember you for the positive effect you had on their life.

2) For the most part infrastructure wise Nigeria can be a very horrible place. Thus if you find yourself in police detention be prepared for the worst. The EFCC net though is notches up that ladder possible because of the higher standing of the institute and inmates thus in many more ways its sanity friendly and assault and homosexuality free. Both ways though when the desirable is not available the available becomes desirable. Little things like pillows, bed space near exits become coveted and your animal survival instincts will come to play but your ability to be amiable will keep you in the good books of all. Detention will take away your freedom, you’ll dream not of driving a good car but of just being able to take a walk in the park. And not going anywhere fast you’ll think your whole life like reading the Bible start to finish many times over. Fear not though because whatever comes to a man is equal to a man. Stick with the happy crowd, there’ll be lots of laughs to share and try to engage yourself productively. Stay healthy and body build when possible; also learn as many skills as you’ll be exposed to that’ll raise your value in the job market when you’re out. Personally I advise against getting your mind twisted with the Bible or religious stuff as it only serves to give you hope of a lazy kind with lots of man hours waste in tow. It’s like getting addicted to gambling instead of seeing how you can go one step better than chance/luck to seize control of your universe. In all try to keep a positive mind; worthy of note: The Shawshank Redemption.

3) Success has many fathers but failure is an orphan. This idiom will come to play in your detention experience. I’ve seen a lot in my lifetime that I can authoritatively tell you that very few will be willing and able to sacrifice time and money to help you when you’re down. Some will sympathize from afar but for most life just goes on. Your 100% bet of people that’ll come get you out or run around to meet your bail conditions is your family, possibly because blood is thicker than water and people feel naturally drawn to help their own. Other than that this is when you’ll know your true/real friends. Forget about how much of the guy or popular you think you are now, detention and down times reveal the big picture. You’ll do well to reanalyze and balance out your relationships now knowing where the people in your life stand so as to avoid a shock therapy in future. On a lighter scale “thank God you’re not an Americans”, in the West its stuff like this that renders people homeless but you’re Nigerian and should make sure you have a healthy support system by your good deeds now that you’re on top.

4) Finally a note for government and anyone entrusted with leadership position over others. People just want to work and be happy (gainful employment), make an honest living and be able to splurge once in a while. Not worrying about where the next meal will come from and where to lay their head at night. To dissuade people from committing crime you’ve got to work your social security system, create jobs, pay a living wage and make available the necessary infrastructure. Humanity starts with you and me and realizing in our every action that we’re all brothers and everyone has the right to live and not just exist. It’s either that or the words of Tupac Amaru Shakur will forever reign true: “I ain’t guilty cos even though I sell rocks/it feels good putting money in your mail box/”.