But I can't complain what the accident did to my left eye/
Cause look what an accident did to Left Eye/
First Aaliyah now Romeo must die?/
I know I got angels watching me from the other side/

Kanye West in “never let me down” featuring Jay-Z from the album “The College Dropout”

My accidented truck

In the light of satirical writer Elnathan John’s latest piece "How to survive a road accident" (available here) I decided to work up my injured wrist, summon whatever little writing skill I had left and pen this…or is it type this. This part of the essay particularly inspired me: “This is how to survive a road accident in Nigeria: Pray. Pray that someone with quick thinking and hospital contacts runs into you. Do not expect the police to know what to do. Do not expect emergency services. Just pray.”

Some four years back living the fresh graduate dream of working as a banker I would probably agree with you that I was in a tasking profession and that finding time to do anything on this job was a miracle and as such Friday nights and weekends were heaven. But two months back, July 14th 2012 to be precise I would probably tell you that working in sales in FMCG was second only to sitting in GEJ’s hot seat as commander in chief. I was up late into the night, continuing early the next morning finishing a report whose submission deadline had just expired. I slept at Ade’s for company and to take advantage of his stand by generator. The next morning Sunday the 15th I loaded up my MP3 player with songs to help me get by the long journey, dashed home to get some gear and hit the road for a 5 hour trip (to and fro though). The company was about to launch the redesigned Star bottle and we had to redistribute the old Star stocked in a warehouse in a neighbouring town to ensure quick depletion before the planned new launch. With my boss and 2 colleagues of mine we were to drive in a convoy, but sensing they weren’t yet ready I passed by our meet up spot and hit the road early so I could make it back by midday to do other stuff.

And that was all I remembered. Word was that 45 minutes into my journey I had a head on collision with an empty fuel tanker. Being the careful driver I’ve always been I’m still stunned as to how that ever happened. The good or great thing though is that like Elnathan advised the lines fell unto me in pleasant places. After I left Boss and my colleagues followed me up shortly. At my accident scene the typical Naija crowd was forming with shouts of “mo gbe” and all what not but no one really doing anything. Boss soon caught up with me, dialed his hospital contacts prepping them for my arrival, lifted me up into his passenger seat with me clutching my broken wrist and sped the 45 minutes or so journey back to Ilorin.

Two months later, many plates of food from Boss wife after, and visits, love and care from family and friends I’m sitting at home. Luckily having to contend only with a fracture at the left wrist and right femur, and six nerve palsy in my left eye. How I survived it all I don’t know, I’m God’s son. But working for a great company, generous enough to put me on 4 months sick leave, expend on me and transport me to Lagos for a checkup is definitely a saving grace. To top it all up like Lisa’s Dad exclaimed in “Coming to America” I really did do it this time; I hit the jackpot. I couldn’t have come thus far without my girlfriend AyoB catering to me all the way. Always knew she was the complete package right from the start but if I ever did need any confirmation I’ve gotten it. My Chukwuemeka Ike Toads for Supper inter-tribal dreams are coming true. And so now you know the answer to the question "who do I want to spend the rest of my life with".

So you’ve heard and read it all: the execution of Troy Davies in Georgia USA, The release by Iran of the US spies/hikers and the arrest of the British-Ghanaian banker Kweku Adoboli plus tons others. In all the common denominator I’m interested in at the moment is detention as a result of an alleged crime. What are some of the tips you’re better off knowing as a Nigerian male who’s expected to be a man in all situations, and if by chance you find yourself locked down how do you cope.

1) The first rule of being a Master Mind is to not get caught, yes as incompetent as the Nigerian security agencies are you still need to cover your tracks. The odds are stacked against you though cos in most cases somehow somehow fowl nyash dey open, but the smart will know how to lay low after a hit with making it in the long run in mind. But truth be told despite the thrill of a misdemeanor, and in a lot of cases trying to prove a point because you’re aggrieved ultimately there’s nothing as good as having peace of mind. The benefits of going legit cannot be overstated; your people need you and you can’t afford to let them down. Like Osaze, Enyeama and MySpace.com you're not indispensable and people tend to forget you when you go down. But form is temporal and class is permanent; try to be spotless and excel in your own field so that when your name is mentioned people remember you for the positive effect you had on their life.

2) For the most part infrastructure wise Nigeria can be a very horrible place. Thus if you find yourself in police detention be prepared for the worst. The EFCC net though is notches up that ladder possible because of the higher standing of the institute and inmates thus in many more ways its sanity friendly and assault and homosexuality free. Both ways though when the desirable is not available the available becomes desirable. Little things like pillows, bed space near exits become coveted and your animal survival instincts will come to play but your ability to be amiable will keep you in the good books of all. Detention will take away your freedom, you’ll dream not of driving a good car but of just being able to take a walk in the park. And not going anywhere fast you’ll think your whole life like reading the Bible start to finish many times over. Fear not though because whatever comes to a man is equal to a man. Stick with the happy crowd, there'll be lots of laughs to share and try to engage yourself productively. Stay healthy and body build when possible; also learn as many skills as you’ll be exposed to that’ll raise your value in the job market when you’re out. Personally I advise against getting your mind twisted with the Bible or religious stuff as it only serves to give you hope of a lazy kind with lots of man hours waste in tow. It’s like getting addicted to gambling instead of seeing how you can go one step better than chance/luck to seize control of your universe. In all try to keep a positive mind; worthy of note: The Shawshank Redemption.

3) Success has many fathers but failure is an orphan. This idiom will come to play in your detention experience. I’ve seen a lot in my lifetime that I can authoritatively tell you that very few will be willing and able to sacrifice time and money to help you when you’re down. Some will sympathize from afar but for most life just goes on. Your 100% bet of people that’ll come get you out or run around to meet your bail conditions is your family, possibly because blood is thicker than water and people feel naturally drawn to help their own. Other than that this is when you’ll know your true/real friends. Forget about how much of the guy or popular you think you are now, detention and down times reveal the big picture. You’ll do well to reanalyze and balance out your relationships now knowing where the people in your life stand so as to avoid a shock therapy in future. On a lighter scale “thank God you’re not an Americans”, in the West its stuff like this that renders people homeless but you’re Nigerian and should make sure you have a healthy support system by your good deeds now that you’re on top.

4) Finally a note for government and anyone entrusted with leadership position over others. People just want to work and be happy (gainful employment), make an honest living and be able to splurge once in a while. Not worrying about where the next meal will come from and where to lay their head at night. To dissuade people from committing crime you’ve got to work your social security system, create jobs, pay a living wage and make available the necessary infrastructure. Humanity starts with you and me and realizing in our every action that we’re all brothers and everyone has the right to live and not just exist. It’s either that or the words of Tupac Amaru Shakur will forever reign true: “I ain’t guilty cos even though I sell rocks/it feels good putting money in your mail box/”.

Anyone who’s been following my Facebook rants knows I am totally appalled by INEC chairman Professor Attahiru Jega recent goofs that led to the double postponements /rescheduling of the national Assembly elections. Strongly sharing the sentiments of Rhythm 93.7 Jos election day studio guest (his name slips my mind) it is a crying shame that after 4 years of preparations we’re nowhere better than we were the last time general elections were conducted. Same old story and excuses. What shocks me even more is seeing people give him the thumbs up despite this fiasco; that what he did was brave. It goes to show how low we’ve set our standards as a nation that we should celebrate mediocrity as if we don’t deserve better.

Proactiveness would have prevented all this. And taking a decision to postpone the elections the first time around is not rocket science; for Christ’s sake that’s the logical move going by the electoral act. Giving the position of things that afternoon anyone (even a 10 year old) in Jega’s shoes would have done the same thing. Sacking Jega now is not an option being that we’re at the peak of operations but if we must progress as a nation then we must be disciplined and strive for excellence. Encouraging people to do right and when they do right and duly applying penalties when things go wrong to ensure everyone steps up their game.

I’ll tell you a story; when I was in banking, to enable checks and balances we had a practice of rotating duties as to which pair of staff were the custodian of the branch keys weekly. It so happened that on one faithful day a staff on duty due to one reason or the other was late to work and forgot the branch keys at home. The consequence was that the branch missed clearing at CBN for that day. In the Nigerian context clearing is an activity mediated by the Central bank in which different banks come together to net off or settle their trades, transactions and interbank cheques. Such dealings often run into millions if not billions of Nairas and determines when customers get value for cheques deposited into their accounts. For such an error which adversely affected the bank in its intent to meet its service level agreement with its customers, the said staff was suspended without pay for one month as a disciplinary measure. Now think about what Jega did and the adverse effects it had financially, logistically and psychologically on the total mass of 150 million Nigerians and tell me why actions shouldn’t be taken against the INEC staff responsible for letting the nation down. Personally I’d like to see some months of working suspension without pay imposed as a deterrent against such behaviour ever again.

Let's say no to mediocrity in Naija; we deserve better! (Art wise this is not the most professional of jobs but you can get where I'm driving at right?)

My colleagues and followers of my rants on Facebook alike also know I am an ardent supporter of Governor Ibrahim Shekarau’s cause to be elected president this year. And so recently I was asked why I take such a stand and being one to stand on the path of reason I did so as follows.

1) He has the necessary political experience being a two term Governor of a state as important as Kano.

2) He is intelligent, cool, calm, collected and has the leadership charisma. He’s the kind of person you’ll be bold/proud to point out as your president. As was seen at the recent Presidential debates he was the only candidate that addressed the issues sensibly. Showing within those hours that he was a candidate with a clear thought mission, well informed of our national challenges and realistically having ideas on how to tackle them. Contrast this to Nuhu Ribadu who debated exuberantly like a school boy Student Union President, Buhari who had his head in the clouds or President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan (JEG) who kept on riding his luck and failing to inspire confidence.

3) He is a fine gentleman devoid of ethnic and religious sentiments who in the past 8 years has been able to greatly ensure peace and stability in Kano as diverse as it is.

4) He is a sound policy maker, who does his homework well and consults extensively before swinging into action. Agreed there might have been a few contentious issues but all said and done Governor Ibrahim Shekarau’s is an honest, hardworking, modest and incorrupt leader who did a fair job in Kano State.
5) He is a humble man; you can’t but be enthralled if you read up on his rise to the post of Governor from being a mere civil servant. He also is very diplomatic, and few exist who can objectively speak badly of him.

6) Real recognizes real; no wonder Pat Utomi also endorses him.

7) Compared to the competition, he is the best choice. Buhari truncated democracy in the past and has no moral right to aspire to be President. Nuhu is simply not up to standard and inexperienced. Jonathan is not his own man and doesn’t have the mettle of a president.

Tony Tetuila’s “hit my car” track from about 10 years back was just a song to me, not until it was dramatised in my life a little over eight months ago. Sadly the culprit wasn’t anyone at all in the mould of Tinubu which would have got me prostrating in hope of better things to come. The culprit wasn’t even on Eedris levels, in which case the fear of shame and face saving would have settled everything. The culprit was like me a bloody commoner and frustrating as the whole experience was, mobility was finally restored with me learning my lessons the hard way.

June 12th was the day. Much like it symbolizes for us in our national consciousness: good turned bad, turned good again; it was for me sort of like the gift and the curse. Some stuff I was pursuing finally materialised on that day but sadly my car was also involved in a crash. The reason being that out of trust built up over some months I had turned a blind eye to the fact that my repaired car would stay overnight in my mechanic’s care. And as fate would have it the worst happened, the car got hit pretty badly and my mechanic sustained injuries, though not too severe. All this left me as confused as Nigerians after The Eagles’ one nil loss to Argentina; hoping for the best but expecting the worst.

What follows are some of the lessons learnt in my eight month ordeal. These are all purely from the Nigerian experience, though first time car owners wherever might still be able to learn a thing or two.

The chief of this is that there’s no substitute for family. Like Baz Luhrmann implied in “everybody's free to wear sunscreen” they’re the ones that will always have your back. My father was immense in this regard. Demoralized, confused and low on cash my Dad encouraged me greatly and we decided against the use of force/courts because face it all lawyers and the police are really interested in Naija style is money. Funds were sourced for the repair to commence, which all in all cost about one third the original purchase price of the car. The agreement reached with my mechanic being he’d take responsibility and pay back in instalments till the refund was achieved.

Naturally the repair was in trusted in the hands of mechanic and his associates. The procedure being body work (panel beating), engineering (mechanical) and then electricals. The basics being done I had to take the car to a different workshop where it’ll be worked on with much more seriousness to take care of the finishing. Because as expected my mechanic just wanted to do the bare minimal and get the load off his chest once and for all. Ideally with money and man power on call this repair could be concluded in a month, but realistically it’s worth noting that after an accident and repairs Naija style the car will never be the same. Like they say there might be forgiveness but the scars will always remain.

A major tip when dealing with car matters is that no matter how busy you are it really helps if you can monitor your mechanic when carrying out repairs. That way you learn more about your car, you protect yourself from the fallouts of a shoddy job and you decrease the turnaround time. Significantly too you potentially cut the cost of repairs down by at least 30% as you get to join in the bargaining (pricing) of spare parts. Note: people will always try to game you if you allow them! Following through on this when it comes to registering or renewing your car particulars it’s best to ditch the Nigerian mentality of always aiming to cut corners. The official way is actually stress free and more economical!

Another tip is that modus operandi wise mechanics like doctors deal with difficult problems by using the same method of diagnosing via a process of elimination. The downside is that this can be costly and futile if the mechanic is inexperienced. You need to watch out for the countenance of a mechanic when at work. A bad workman quarrels with his tools and frowns a lot. A good craftsman on the other hand knows with much greater certainty what needs to be done and does so. Thus as a rule of thumb much older mechanics with years of experience are often better.

Lastly with all certainty I’ve come to realise that mobility is a necessity not an extravagance; it greatly enhances efficiency. The loss of mobility for me was tough to adjust to and bear and it adversely affected my self-esteem. Shout outs to all the commercial riders/drivers. Drive safe people; you might want to interpret this as drive slow and not by faith (hitting on 140 km/hr when you can’t be certain of the condition of the road a kilometre away) to avoid “speaking grammar”, throwing money down the drain and Inconveniencing yourself.

August 3rd 2009. My car when it just came through, courtesy the happy people of Intercontinental Bank and the good people of Mubi, Adamawa State.

June 20th 2010. Some days after the gift and the curse.

November 3rd 2010. Surgery commences.

December 14th 2010. Surgery in progress.

January 12th 2011. Surgery near completion.

Like many others I’m been a Lil Wayne fan; in my case since first hearing him many years back on “young n blues”. So while I had my playlist on shuffle/random some days back his “Mrs. Officer” song came up. Instantly being reminded of how much I love the track I subsequently chopped and screwed it for my cell phone ring tone. Banging out a 30 seconds piece predominantly featuring the “Rodney King baby, yeah i beat it like a Cop” line I particularly like. Being who I am, some research minutes later I was schooled on the “why can’t we all get along” line that had been hibernating in my mind for years now.

And so I ask why can’t my people in Jos fucking get along?! Why the insanity with the weekly vicious cycle of killings, burnings and assault? Mere mortals we all are, our skin colour is all the same so why allow our ethnic differences to divide us? More ridiculously why act on hate in the name of religion when most of us are only but Sunday Sunday/Friday Friday worshippers? Why allow religion to fuck with our minds to the extent we can’t think logically anymore?

Being in an election period and so extending this to our politicians why can’t they just fucking carry us along and stop being so self-centered? GamineGirlie wrote an article weeks back about how she thinks the energy expounded by concerned Nigerians primarily via social media networks on the need to take the voters registration dead serious is misplaced. Her argument is that everybody’s talking about voting but nobody’s talking about making sure we have credible candidates to vote in the first place. And she does have a point; made all the more obvious by politicians like Kwara state Governor Bukola Saraki.

The idea that Nigerian politics is devoid of ideals and is basically a “I chop you chop” system is demonstrated so vivaciously and most recently by his (Bukola Saraki) actions. Here was a man that only months ago appeared visionary and wanted to best the works of GEJ (Goodluck Ebele Jonathan) as President come May 2011. All of a sudden after changes in the power games of his party the PDP at national level and at the state level he’s swiftly humbled his ambition so much so that overnight he declared for, poached, contested and won a senatorial seat nomination. That my friend is a man who doesn’t give a fuck about your welfare but is merely seeking to maintain a steady flow of income for himself. Like the chameleon he’ll change his spots as many times as he has to; survival is after all the name of the game.

You want more examples to buttress the point? Gladly; Abubakar Olusola Saraki, who assumes he’s some sort of indispensable figure in Kwara state to the extent that all governors must breathe through him. His idea of kwara state progressing is having all leadership within his blood line. Another popular example is the God father of Amala politics the Late Lamidi Adedibu who believed the job of efficiently running a state was only possible after all parties had partaken in a meal of hot amala served from his kitchen funded solely from the state's allocation. Other example include but are not restricted to Governor/Senator (either or both titles would do) George Akume, Ahmad Sani Yerima, Ahmed Makarfi and Chimaroke Nnamani. Nigeria we hail thee!

On December 30th I updated my Facebook profile thus: “A tale of two over hyped sophomores: Asa’s “beautiful imperfection” and M.I.’s “MI2”. Just bought the former/proceeding to play for what should be an uncountable number/… (Of times)”. Sadly it wasn’t to be.

Asa returns three years after an outstanding debut with an album that in my opinion has very few real beauties and by her standard a lot of imperfections. As they say repeating a great feat is never easy.

Some of the changes responsible for this include the production. On her debut “asha”, her chemistry with her erstwhile producer Cobhams Asuquo was orgasmic. Till this day “Jailer”, "360", "Bibanke", "Subway", "Fire on the Mountain" and "No One Knows" are still on heavy rotation on my playlist. Benjamin Constant stepping up to be sole producer on this LP just didn’t do it for me.

I kind of get the feeling her artistic direction and style was directed at being more western mainstream like; exemplified by the lead single “be my man”. There’s also a slight rock feel to some of the songs. Well when a foreign label takes on a Nigerian act for this length of time I guess it’s sooner or later expected.

Despite making a string of guest appearances on other Nigerian artist songs in the past few years she kept to her no guest appearances/features stance on BI (beautiful imperfection), to belt out in over 40 minutes the kind of album a lot of people might not be big on but will still go ahead and play in the office to kill the dead of silence and appear like some mature minded music listener.

The songs not being overtly Naija themed like in asha I like to feel this album lost the local touch or identity. Despite hardly understanding much of the Yoruba when it was used particularly in “bimpe” I still stand by this opinion. Perhaps one of the things that does really tickle my fancy in BI is the album sleeve art work. Simplistically really cool and for an admirer of natural hair wearing chicks I couldn’t but be impressed.

Favourite tracks:
You’ll have to listen to this album yourself to form your own opinions being that I’ve not made much of an effort to dissect the songs individually but an opinion I can make for you is that “may be” and “baby gone” are the absolute stand out tracks of BI. “May be” is melodiously socially conscious while “baby gone” is a heartfelt ballad about lost love.

Rating: My rating for the album on a scale of 5 is 2.5

Album Details

Original Release Date: October 25, 2010

Genres: Soul, jazz

Label: Naive

Production: Benjamin Constant

Track list:
1. Why Can’t We
2. Maybe
3. Be My Man
4. Preacher Man
5. Bimpé
6. The Way I Feel
7. OK OK
8. Dreamer Girl
9. Oré
10. Baby Gone
11. Broda Olé
12. Questions

Links: More info on the album available at http://www.asa-official.com/2010/10/beautifull-imperfection/

I had originally put these pictures up on my facebook profile on Christmas day and I’m sure this is no more new news to most people. Anyways a recap can be found here and here

I had found myself in the Gada Biu area on the morning of the 25th as I had to pass through on my way home. The night before I had received a call from family asking about my safety and it was only then I knew I was sadly finally going to get a taste of Jos crises, having by incidents of fate had my previous “residency” between the crises of December 2008 and January 2010.

The story was that on Christmas Eve at about 7.30 pm several bombs had gone off in Angwan Rukuba and Gada Biu areas of Jos, both predominantly Christian areas killing a number of people and injuring many others. Everybody was shocked considering the relative peace of the Jos metropolis in the past 12 months. Equally many people were angry, mainly made up of the natives and resident Igbo settlers who felt the attacks were targeted against them and sadly retaliation started. That was what I witnessed that morning as youths in annoyance burnt a truck filled with washing powder and some other small vehicles, all allegedly being driven by Muslims and battered small supposedly Muslim owned stalls. I even saw a man wearing a kaftan's dead body in the gutter.

I left the area in a hurry and by 1.30pm when I passed through the area again in my bid to spend Christmas at my friends I saw that things had stabilized with security agents everywhere. Sadly though it became a very quiet Christmas in Jos as most people decided to stay indoors. Businesses were locked up and the streets were devoid of cars with most people trekking their way to their various destinations.

Rest in peace to those who lost their lives for merely being in the wrong place at the wrong time and I can only hope that things pick up in the coming days and restore itself to the state it was pre the bombings: I had gone for a little shopping at the Terminus market on the evening of the 24th around 5pm and the place was jam packed with everybody gearing up for Christmas day.

Songs about Jane, rants about love and marriage. Sort of a time induced sequel to my “Let’s talk about girls, kids and favourite teams” post of May 2006. Social engineering, a recent love interest of mine after pondering the recent Amos Adamu and the slightly older Sarah Palin email hack. So here goes

8] So I’m at the stage of life where my mates are starting to tie the knots one by one or bullshit aside working seriously towards that. And in a couple of cases where both parties work in the same office a party has resigned for the other in order not to fall foul of HR laws. Worse still that party remained jobless after the ceremonies with the income of the union now tied to one source. My opinion: big mistake. Could be really pretty risky especially as in many regards money is the fuel which sustains love. This is backed by test number 12 from “Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships” by Chip Ingram (adapted from “marriage for moderns” by Henry Bowman". Available for download here).

A couple that is genuinely in love and not infatuated do not feel an almost irresistible drive towards haste. Infatuated couples tend to feel an urge towards getting married. Postponement is intolerable to them and they interpret it as deprivation rather than preparation.

When it comes to marriage I’m pro long courtship. I believe it should be about genuinely time tested and trusted best friends wanting to commit together. All other reasons for commitment are not really healthy. Especially in a society like Nigeria where government social support is nonexistent and insurance is bullocks, it’s best to play into the hand of someone that’ll stand by you if shit should ever hit the fan. Stall the wedding date till the other party can fix up another source of income; what will be will be.

9] After reading an article online about a wedding called off due to astronomical student debts owed by the bride, I’ve come to ever more realize that marriage in reality is like a business deal which makes the best sense if it’s mutual benefiting. No one goes into business with the aim of making looses. Everyone wants to enhance his or her portfolio, which in many regards is expressed in monetary terms. One party coming through packing debts or obligations which become overbearing with time should be a big no no. Both parties should endeavour to review their financial positions and possible outlook before doing the do.

10] Coming down home we as Nigerians would be better off if we learnt to treat marriage like we treat our homes; the Inside clean and the outside dirty is the best balance. Nigerians are selfish like that, we go to great deals to pimp up our homes but don’t care much about our collective surroundings. Likewise if we (hint...ladies) cared more about keeping our relationships alive and less about showing off with big weddings and bragging about our marital status we could actually be better off.

11] As above in tune with keeping your marriage as comfortable as possible keep the conceptions down, in line with your income to maintain an above average standard of living. A family holiday every year should not be a pipe dream or something you just watch in movies. The creator put man on earth to conquer and explore not to spend a life time living from hand to mouth.

12] Finally on a parting note I think I’m now seriously pro natural hair and would go to any lengths to support and convince my girl (girl in this case means one of my own race) to carry such. Nappy headz rule!

Social engineering is when an attacker/hacker uses human interaction (manipulation via social skills) to obtain or compromise information about a person, an organization or its computer systems. As earlier mentioned I got researching on this after actively pondering the Amos Adamu and Sarah Palin incidents. In the end I was able to successfully hack two email addresses and got pass the first question of many a friend's Yahoo! Mail Forgot Password feature. This article will bring you up to speed on the technique I used to take advantage of Yahoo’s decision to cut customer service costs associated with attending to password recovery queries. Yes people yet another reason to choose Gmail over Yahoo.

Update!: Please see this post for a follow up on the Yahoo password recovery process as regards to social engineering.

Written for the new gig...

Can you relate with this?

“The tellers and customer service ladies of Bank EW are just plain rude; imagine going to withdraw your own money and being told to wait for hours or to come back tomorrow because the servers are down; I don’t remember them telling me that when I came to open the account!”

“My sister I cried to my creator from the bottom of my heart today. I was made to feel subhuman just because I went to one office to submit my CV”.

“I can only blame myself for taking my own two feet into that place. The reply I got was so cold and unhelpful just for the simplest of enquiries. It was a total waste of time and energy.”

“Why do these ISPs keep employing clueless and dumb people? Can you imagine the guy at the help desk telling me “I was not trained to activate this plan on a phone. I can only activate on PC. Please go and bring your laptop”. Source.

“My people I don’t even know why we waste our time on this the Police is your friend mantra in Nigeria. Do you know that I always have to make sure the money in my pocket is enough before going to the Police station to report a genuine issue? It’s like those guys work on a pay as you go basis.”

If you can relate with all these read on, if not please quit reading.

Colleagues we’re in that shoe now with our present job, we can either prevent people from further experiencing and saying the same or we can tow the status quo. Let’s do away with the “everyone wants to fix humanity; no one wants to fix themselves syndrome. It begins with you, change begins with us.

Just like relationships crumble if one party doesn’t offer to say I’m sorry, or a traffic jam gridlock persist if one driver doesn’t say “I’ll be patient, you may go first”. Things can only be better off if we decide and start to make an effort.

Like the hotel bell boy let’s learn to work like our only form of remuneration was based on tips arising from the level of satisfaction our customers get from our service. Let’s learn to treat our customers like we would treat our mothers

Let the below thoughts and often made statements be things of the past

a) Nkemakonam Ezidinma Ifejika opined on Facebook that for Nigerians anywhere in the world, customer service is a gene extracted at birth. That is to say Nigerians are incapable of being consistently polite and helpful. They are the kings and queens of mood swings.

b) In Nigeria there’s no place for merit. We can’t queue or be patient. Everyone wants to cut corners and get served before others. It’s like a “my family comes first” credo. And that’s why poverty persists because those in top positions don’t allow for the wealth to flow down to the bottom, hence everyone wants to be at the top and so corruption is birthed. We were brought up this way and so bring up our kids in like fashion too. A vicious cycle.

c) There’s a deep rooted rat race or jungle mentality in Nigeria that impedes development and breeds nepotism and tribalism. Like Mark Shuttleworth said: “Tribalism is when one group of people start to think people from another group are “wrong by default”. It’s the great-granddaddy of racism and sexism.

d) Nigerians are only bothered about the self, there’s no sense of concern for maintenance of public/company property. That’s why the civil service is in shambles. That’s also why the white man is brought in to instil discipline; we then fight to go abroad to enjoy the perks of a disciplined society we have denied ourselves.

In line with the above and bringing the matter back home mycustomer advocates the following

1) And end to the “applications are not working please call back” sing along. Especially when we don’t even bother to get them working in the first place, have no idea of their workarounds or can’t even be bothered to remember our passwords. Food for thought: Do you know that telling a customer that the applications are not working please call back is akin to telling a pensioner who invested a lot of energy and money to go back home and come tomorrow because the bank for some flimsy reason or another cannot pay today.

2) It’s good to pick 200 calls a day but it’s even better to pick 150 and deal with them decisively. We’re lucky to have a strong brand and a consequent low elasticity of demand but we should bear in mind that ultimately customer service goes a long way in determining customer retention and business profitability.

3) Stop leaving your mails unread. You stand to keep yourself ignorant (no product knowledge) when you do so consequently manifesting in frequently putting your customers on hold and running around the call center asking questions. You also leave the knowledgeable customer shaking his head on the opposite side lamenting your cluelessness.

4) An end to the “I’ll end call on you”, “I’ll block your line” incidents. Let’s learn to manage our irritations and show compassion to the slow to comprehend and confused. You become a better person, the bigger man when you learn to tolerate customers venting their anger on you yet reply politely to empathise and educate. It shows there’s substance in your character; consequently you’ll see that people will want to look you up for a repeat dealing.

I now hope that upon everyone reading this, this other incidence that some of us regularly experience will decrease: “customers asking for a way to get back to us directly as they are afraid of speaking to others because they have no confidence their queries will be resolved on a random call back.

“Like the hotel bell boy let’s learn to work like our only form of remuneration was based on tips arising from the level of satisfaction our customers get from our service. Let’s learn to treat our customers like we would treat our mothers”

Effective information management is a bit like multi tasking and getting it right

Anyone that really knows me in person should be aware that I like to be on top of things information wise. Like the seeker I take great pride in getting relevant info and go to great lengths to organize that info for effective use (I think I got this quality from my dad). And feeling particularly generous or scholarly today I want to bless you with my “Seven habits of highly effective information managers”; hereby referred to as HEIMs. On a Zain level I’m in a frenzy like one of my previous bank big boss, who was twice flown in from Lagos to lecture us in training school, and on both occasions ended up basing his talk (both talks independent of the other) on Stephen R Covey’s “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People”. So let’s get started on capacity building information management wise.

1) HEIMs abhor illiteracy in all its forms because to really appreciate the importance of information management one has to be technologically aware, pragmatic and open minded. HEIMs would probably work in intelligence if they were in the army. For the young ones in secondary school my advice would be not to limit oneself to only reading the Bible, religious books and self help books but to explore the world of contemporary Nigerian fiction. Personally my favourite reads are informative/write ups/novels which come with a heavy dose of humour.

2) We would all the more be HEIMs in Nigeria if we probably had a good database management system in place. All my analysis leads me to the conclusion that if we fixed that we would be on the road to resolving a lot of our national problems. From census and population planning, to voter registration, to crime detection/prevention, to fiscal control and bank loan supervision, to academic records availability and so on and so forth. That’s why it behooves on us to take the issue of record keeping and maintenance seriously in our daily dealings. There are little things in life as sweet as being updated about the past in a jiffy and thus being privileged to make inform choices in the present that will affect your future positively.

3) HEIMs excel in phone bookkeeping and are forever grateful for the miracle that is telecommunication. They understand the beauty of talking the talk and getting thoughts across at the touch of a button. So characteristically they are always reachable by phone, text and call generously as the need arises, excel at colleting contacts of useful people and those they just must deal with on the daily, have a good contact backup culture, have more than one line considering the peculiar unstableness of our telecoms networks, and understanding the importance of networking strive for phone number retention. Some extra tips: for ease of backups you might want to jot down your numbers daily as you collect them and exploit the PC suite and sync function of your phone. Also aim for hand sets with unlimited contact storage. To get ahead 200 SIM memory plus 200 phone memory handsets are not the way to go. Additionally learn to save names in full or with descriptive suffixes for ease of recall.

4) HEIMs understanding the reality that is information overload, trash programming and junk content are constantly trying to stay geeky/nerdy yet work and leisure balanced. By analyzing and sieving what is available before brain consumption they stay on the natural high. Personally I try not to over indulge myself and stay away from things that don’t add anything substantive to my IQ. This means I’m constantly battling procrastination in favour of studying and computer programming. And when it comes to news feed, favouring blogs with original content as against gossip blogs and news recyclers.

5) HEIMs being aware of the power of the world wide web/computers practice the complete use of it as a means to an end. Here’s what you’ll find them doing. They streamline their email addresses as much as possible and harness the powers of Gmail and email clients. You’d be hard press to find them on the loosing end of domain drops because of unread/unreceived renewal reminders. They are on top of password management (at my former job FinnOne, a banking suite software failed partly because of the issue of password forgetfulness). And they embrace the idea of website and company portals as information nests. A case in point: it’s dumb…almost criminal for INEC not to publish the list of qualified candidates/test invitees on its website during it recent recruitment exercise. Also as seen in many companies the issue of sending out important memos/policy updates only via email without repository on the company’s portal for easy long term reference is akin to dishing out instructions and the receivers inundating it from one ear and letting it slip out through the other.

6) HEIMs are by nature effective. In line with this they wholly embrace the use of a diary in their day to day planning. Not being cyborgs people grapple with the issue of forgetfulness but HEIMs keep on top of their schedule and plan accordingly with diary entries and reminders. Be them electronically on phone/computers or in hand in books. A follow up trait of effectiveness is getting things done without having to be prodded and doing so as if the direct gain was for oneself. In other words HEIMs treat with dispatch issues which require their attention. And in doing so they keep it scientific, scientific in the sense that their workings are carried out in a way that on analysis a third party can easily understand what has transpired thus and take relevant follow up action.

7) Lastly but also very importantly HEIMs don’t have an attitude problem. With globalization should come the common sense that nobody’s indispensable and that we all need each other sooner or later and as such we should treat each other with courtesy and respect. On a Majek Fashek-2face Idibia tip, little little patience and cordialness in our conduct now can have big positive implications later. Tolerance, politeness, a thank you here, excuse me or sorry there can in some way get you that information when the need arises that’ll help you break fronts.


The world Cup South Africa 2010 being now 40 days away, the true Super Eagles fan should have these three World cup songs on his/her playlist:

1) Power of Naija. Guinness commissioned World Cup song performed by Omawumi, 2face Idibia and Cobhams
2) Waving flag (Nigerian Version). Coca-Cola commissioned K'naan’s World Cup song performed by Banky W & M.I.
3) Goalaaaso (Inside The Net). Paj featuring Tolumide. From Paj of “Ghana go hear wien (2006)” and “skatta dem (Ghana go hear wien part II 2008)” fame.